Blogging...and grammer.

Blogging. Writing. Sean and I were talking, well I was talking he was listening. And laughing. He laughs at me a lot. Or should I say I make him laugh. Well I make myself laugh too.

I tell stories. Sometimes I finish them sometimes I start another one in the middle of the first and so on.

My mind is bouncy like Koda's curls. I said this one before too. My mind is busy. Busy is an understatement. I have a thousand thoughts a minute and usually they don't flow into another.

He said I should write a book. It would be funny. I laugh a lot when I'm with other people" I make other people laugh too, not a comedian like Ellen. She is my favorite. I like to watch her at 3/1500 so I can catch her monologue. Is that what her solo stand up is called? She is hilarious. I laugh. It's good.

My mom makes me laugh too. I love my mom, although she drives me crazy(all of the time) some of the best laughs I have had have been with her. Actually thinking about it, some of my best laughs, tears rolling down my cheeks, almost pee in my pants laughs have been with the people I love the most.

Anyway back to blogging, or writing. I did not do well in English. I actually completely avoided taking English in college. I took the first two years which were mandatory. I got b's.  Not too bad, but in high school I got...I don't remember. I passed though I was happy about that. After my first two years, I took anything that 'fit' the English literature criteria but wasn't actually English. I took Russian Woman's literature, Greek and Roman mythology...nothing remotely related to grammar and English.

I will be okay when it comes to Science. I was good in science. Okay in math. Not in English, my poor kids. My husband is a mirrored dyslexic(although the only college grad in this house and a pretty smart guy if I say so :)). He reads like crazy and it doesn't seem to affect him anymore except he still seems to add a letter here and there where it doesn't belong, but me, boy...I'm a mess. They will not do well in English if they have to come to me. Thank goodness for spell check!

I have been reading more, now that the kids are back in school. More blogs, and more books. I am noticing that there is a space between the paragraphs. It is Soooooo much easier to read these blogs. So I said something to my hubby tonight. I said that I read a few of my friends blogs and there so much easier to read, I hope they don't get upset like I'm stealing they're style. This extra space between paragraphs.

He said why, cause your posts are like a run on sentence...I said no(what is he criticizing me?) They are just hard to follow(I know this I have trouble re-reading them before I post). He said yes, like one continuous thought. Unfortunately that is me...

He said honey, that is how you are supposed to write. It's not plagiarism. It's correct grammar. They wont be mad.

So. I'm not stealing a style of writing, apparently I was doing it all wrong. Like my blog. Not about one particular event at a time, but numerous events rolled into one continuous thought.

Sleep...What are you doing??

Sleep. Defined as:

     Sleep is a naturally recurring state characterized by reduced or absent consciousness, relatively suspended sensory activity, and inactivity of nearly all voluntary muscles.^[1] It is distinguished from quiet wakefulness by a decreased ability to react to stimuli, and is more easily reversible than being in hibernation or a coma. Sleep is a heightened anabolic state, accentuating the growth and rejuvenation of the immune, nervous, skeletal and muscular systems. It is observed in all mammals, all birds, and many reptiles, amphibians, and fish.(Wikipedia)

Do we really need sleep?  I don't need sleep. Actually if I add all the sleep I get up, I may get close to 5 solid hours a night, and that's pushing it.

Ok, yes I have a new baby, but he sleeps all night!  He has slept all night since he was born practically. We have a few wakeful nights a week/month usually during a growth spurt when he needs wants to nurse more. He is an AWESOME baby!  So its not him.

T had a really hard time falling asleep for the first 7 months. Usually it was on me, nursing on just laying on me or someone. Then he had his paci for one year...4...ok 4 years. Don't judge me. He slept great. I took it away things shifted, but once he is asleep he sleeps.

Koda on the other hand started out really great like Tate...(Dear God, please don't let Tate grow up into his sisters sleeping habits, Thank you. Me).  She slept well from birth, well maybe from 4-5months on. She had a paci for one year...4, yes again 4 years. Again, don't judge me. It was easier. Dad was on the road and it was just not the battle I was choosing. Anyway, she started having sleeping issues about 20months. Maybe right before or after her ear infections and she got tubes.

SHE DOES NOT SLEEP WELL!

She sleep talks, sleep toots(farts for those of you who don't know our terminology), sleep pees(makes it to the toilet most nights), she is up and down. After hours of sleeping or maybe just one, she says she cant sleep. She gets up and talks to me, or just climbs into bed with me.

Tonight, well tonight was different. I actually thought ZOMBIE...

Yes. YES. I said zombie.

I was downstairs typing and reading a blog...or fb. I don't remember. I heard a door close, then open then close. I didn't hear the footsteps anymore so I got up to check and see what, who was moving. I knew it was probably her.

I crept upstairs and the hall light was on again. The baby's door shut. I don't close his door all the way. hmmm. I opened the door expecting Koda sleeping on the rocking chair which I found her there last week...but nope she wasn't there. I looked into my room. Nope. The bathroom, nope. I opened the door to her room, looked into her bed. No Koda. where the heck hell is she.

I turned my head. My heart started beating so hard, and I was so confused, and shocked and scared. Yes I said it. Scared. I had NO IDEA what she was doing.

In my kids room they have a green chest that has blankets in it. It is now moved so it is against the wall as you walk in, the door opens towards it. Right now it had a few sweat shirts and clean clothes waiting to be put away on it. Ok it is a mess. Anyway. This is where I found her.

Standing on top of the green messy chest, hunched over, like she was looking for something. Like a zombie looking for food in a place where there was none. IT TOTALLY FREAKED ME OUT!

I said what are you doing. She looked up in a very confused dazed stare, like she was going to eat me.(We watch too many zombie movies/tv shows and Sean has read and told me about too many books). She didn't say anything.

Do you have to pee?...silence.

I help her down, she is in a complete daze. I look into her eyes. She is not there. It is a very scary thing I am seeing, not one I want to see, nor a road I want to venture down.

I did get her to the toilet. I gave her toilet paper. She wiped and gave it back to me. How thoughtful. Thanks my sweet peach. I love you.

So not only do I have a sleep talker, sleep tooter, sleep pee-er, a sleep fighter, I now(very dreaded SIGH) have a sleep walker.

Thank goodness I went upstairs. I thought the silence after footsteps and a door closing was too odd. She could have fallen off the green messy chest...but probably would have been ok cause of the clean clothes pile next to the green messy chest.

I don't sleep either. I just told the dog I couldn't let him out because I have to wait till the terminator comes. I meant exterminator we have a 'something' in the back yard.

I will take a terminator..for the zombies and the 'somethings' maybe then I can get some sleep.

Letting go

So I am letting go of little things. Little silly things that bother me. That make me blow my top. Like my mom. Letting go. Like paying attention to the details of our conversation. Letting go. Not absent just not paying 100% attention.

My mom, is going through a lot with my dads cancer and chemo treatments. She is a different person. A very stressed, angry, sad person. I'm letting go. I can't fix her. I can't help her, logistically or physically, emotionally or whatever. I try, but I'm letting go. It isn't healthy. But I still love her.

I'm letting go of worrying about my dad. He will get through or he wont.  I cant fix it. So I let go. I let go of him being grumpy, getting agitated with me when I ask him something simple.  I let go because I know he still loves me no matter how grumpy he is. I let go because I know he loves my kids more then anything in the world. I hold on to his love. I hold on to the fact in my whole 33 years I have heard him curse maybe a handful of times. I hold on to the man, my dad, my daddy. The man that has kept our family afloat and will keep floating on right up till the end(which may be tomorrow or 20+ years from now). I let go.

I let go of needing wanting my husband to be home every night. I let go of my fears and embraced the immense independence I was given.  The outcome, there isn't anything I cant do. Things I don't want to do, but nothing I cant do. I let go. I hold onto him, when he is home because I love him.

The past 2 days have been awesome! I've let go of my idiosyncrasies. Of the silly little things that bother me. Each time I felt like I was going to blow, or get upset or angry I took a deep breath and just let it go. It really wasn't that bad and I felt AWESOME afterwards, even if the kids were upset.

They expect me to explode, get upset but I will not. It doesn't fix anything and it doesn't work.

Wednesday. Got up reminded Teighan it was Wednesday. He said I know mom, it's a karate day. We walked to the bus, I asked him what day it was he said again, I know mom it's a karate day. Koda loves karate, actually she loves anything. She never complains, except for dance. She didn't like dance at all. Anyway, the day went well, made an awesome dinner I found on pinterest, did some laundry talked to my cuz...it was a good day. Then the bus came home. I was a little worried cause every day Teighan gets off the bus he wants to play with his friends.
I get it. I totally understand. I want to play with my friends too. Where are they...let's go play. I'm letting go.

So he gets off the bus talked to his friend P and followed me, no whining, no problem just came got home finished his lunch and off we went. It was awesome.  I let go. I stepped back. I loosened the rope and gave in to him. Allowing him to be more responsible and guess what it's working!
Today worked equally as well. A little whine cause we didn't have ice cream, or sorbet after dinner(cause I didn't have enough for 2) but really well. And I'm happier, and they're happier.

I let go of yelling and screaming. I let go of expecting my 6 year old knowing exactly how to act at any given moment.  I became more aware of my 5 year olds innocence.  I let go of caring if they got muddy, or tracked mud thought the freshly washed floors. I let go of worrying about them reading Harry Potter cause a little friend can read Harry Potter.  I let them jump in the puddles, and kiss their brother. I let them play with worms, and let go of germs. Its not going to kill them. Really. Its not!

I let go and it feels wonderful! You should try it!

 Letting go of something you think you should be holding on to really tight. I want to hold on to their innocence, on to them being kids, children. Being loud and messy. Fearless and curious. Wild, energetic(like the bunny) adventurous. Imaginative and playful. Sometimes embarrassing. Ravenous(when you have boys). Tired. Sincere, sweet and loving endlessly and unconditionally.

Let go of all the rules. Let go of the norms; of the expected.

DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING TO RUN SMOOTHLY EVER. BETTER YET HAVE NONE, NO
EXPECTATIONS. JUST LET GO!

It didn't let go of my love. I actually became more aware of it. I embraced it and my kids.
I will not let go of this. Of love and loving them, and demanding love back. But everything else, it's ok.
They will all read, and write and do advanced algebra one day, but not today and that is ok.
Let go.

Special Agent of M.O.M...

As Sean is on the road again lets recap since June, cause I cant much remember much before this.  June Sean was gone 23 days.  July not much better, don't have an exact date but I do remember he only had 5 days off(not consecutive), and August, don't let me start 22 days so far, and he is gone until the 8th of September.
Yes the joys of being married to my best friend(some days) and love of my life(other days) and a Special Agent.  Special Agent of what I wonder, being gone all the time.  Yes I can vent because I am on the roller coaster ride and its going so fast we are missing, 1, 2, 3 month markers, he is missing 1st days of school, and I am holding down the fort.  I run a extremely tight ship, and really need to let go a little.  My parents ran a tight ship, and look(for those of you who know me well) what happened in HS...college...I ENJOYED my life finally.  I am not enjoying life today, or yesterday.
I have moments I hold onto, like Tates little laugh, or Takoda's constant bubbly outlook on everything, and her bouncy curls or her endless conversations with the air, I hold on to everything Teighan, how really sweet he can be when he wants, and how he really loves, but is afraid to show it in public, how my 1st little boy is almost 7 and growing up too fast.  I hold on to the 1sts, first roll overs, crawling, walking, talking.  I hold on to the nights rushing by myself to the ER or the late night pediatric care with a 104 fever, then myself 4 days later like clockwork getting sick.
I should hold on to my first trip to Hawaii.  I had always wanted to go to Hawaii and Australia.  Once.  I have been to Hawaii every year since 2008. One year twice!  My first trip January 3 or 4 2008.  Sean had to go for work, YES work...and he ends up having work there every year, which is AWESOME!  Anyway I digress, I do this a lot.  Blogging for some people may be about one particular event, but for me, my brain is at a constant whirlwind so sometimes its very bouncy...like koda's curls.
My first trip to Hawaii, I had a 26 month old, or just over 2, and an 9 month old...who was still nursing.  I was determined after my mom changed her mind(we got bumped and our flight canceled and then she jumped and cancelled the flight so they didn't find us another one, and well she bailed)  I was so upset, it was our first Christmas with Takoda and he already missed that, got home on the 28 of December and then had to leave on the 1st of January.  SO, I found myself a flight for 2, Koda was on my lap and my MIL got me a car service to take me to the airport, I was FREAKING OUT, he drove all over the place talking about his new GPS, its was 4am I was already tired as it was the first 6 months on this new position of travelling cop...and the driver is almost going to kill me and my precious children.  YES I said precious, because at this point in the morning they were perfect!
I flew from BWI to Arizona, then to Kona, HI.  It was a long flight, and that's just the first one.  We made it, very tired mom, but we made it. It was a hard trip as Sean worked and was off the resort most of the time and how do you get babies to nap when they're off their schedule and in a beautiful vacation land.  I ate a lot by myself and reflected on this journey I just made, and I decided I would never, ever go on another trip with him while he was working.  What did I do, went to California the next year so we could be together again at Christmas time. Cause that's what moms do, that's what I do.
I have since made this trip 5 more times by myself with the kids, one including last year pregnant with #3 and I plan on making our 6 trip this Winter with a 8 month old again who will also still be nursing. I have been told I am supermom, but I don't hear or believe it.  I am just a mom, like all moms who want to give their children everything and anything in their power and lots and lots of LOVE.
I read a blog tonight that said "dear sweet mom who thinks she is failing"(and I needed it, and I cried and I realized I am doing a good job, cause everyone is still happy and healthy, even the dog) and I decided my blog is for me.  Maybe someone will get a laugh or a cry or I will get an uplifting or motivational email or a call from an old friend, but I shouldn't worry if I offend anyone cause its my blog right?
Anyway, Special Agent has a loose term, I often think of Special Agent OSO, he used to be on noggin, do you remember noggin, its not around anymore.  Did I say special agent, I meant Secret Agent, wait what the heck is Sean, I'm lost.  He is a cop.  I am the special agent.  I am the one, the force to be reckoned with.  As he says, I need to ask my wife, or let me check...because after being gone 2 weeks and getting hit for another trip ending up not coming home, he checks.  What can I say really, NO?  Yeah right, I just hold down the fort, hanging on for dear life to the tent tie downs...
I called my BIL the other day, we talked about a BAT, that flew into the house, MY HOUSE!  Then when I asked to speak with my SIL, he said 'hold on here's the boss' cause yes that is exactly what we are, the BOSS, the SPECIAL AGENT, the SECRET AGENT, whatever it is, we are it. 
We are M.O.M...a secret and very special organization if you are lucky enough to join.  You have a very special initiation ceremony that takes place one special night, only to finalize in a hospital room that ends up with one very precious miracle. Our badge of honor sometimes is hours old, or maybe even day old spit up, or poop, or food or puke, or tears, or marker...Our hair is sometimes messy, in a very perfect way.  Our uniform consists of whatever is the easiest and closest to pull on when running to make the bus.  Usually yoga pants and an old Tshirt, some days we have our professional clothes which may even match. Our weapon depending on the day could be a crying baby, whining child or extremely stressed and tired self that can give the look of death without breaking a sweat. Our boss, we dont have one, well maybe the big guy in the sky, or whomever your deity is. We do things our own way, and we learn every day.  We may break open a parenting book or website in this day of technology, we take notes and we try to do it better the next day.
Our payment, its the best, something only us Special Agent of M.O.M gets...lots of unconditional love, hugs, kisses, tears, boo boos, 1st's, 2nd's 100ths, baby toes, and runny noses and those first words.  We often forget in the hustle and bustle how amazing we are as moms, and I know we judge and criticize ourselves and others...and really we are all the same.  Trying to raise the best little people we can, however we can. Rich or Poor, we are all the same. Loving and hard working, unpaid, and overworked, and at the end of the day extremely, extremely overjoyed and full of happiness.
Today I got 3 kids up fed, 2 off to school, volunteered for lunch, came home played, played some more. Got eaten alive by Skeeters cause I went outside to let my kids play, then I got 3 back into bed only to start over again tomorrow.  But tomorrow will be different cause its not today, and it will be better in some way.
Live, Laugh and Love. 

Today is the day!

Today is the day she starts kindergarten.  I prayed for this day all week. All summer it seems like. Since I was pregnant and then since Tate came home. I prayed for summer to be over for it to be just us, but now tomorrow is finally here and I am rushing them off and I want to hit the pause and rewind button. I am not ok tonight, thus why I am still awake at 1am.
I remember the moment I knew I was pregnant again...I was crying at my cousins wedding(cousin in law) crying uncontrobably in the bathroom after hearing her father daughter song... I couldn't get enough of Aunt Pats macaroni salad. We went to target a few days later and I snuck a test in the cart. He said really, I said yes really. Sure enough it was + positive!! His comment was the exact same as when we found out with Teighan, are you sure, you should take another. With Teighan I had taken like 20 before I decided that it was true...I was in denial.  Anyway I was pregnant and my first little baby boy was only 9 months old. Ok life changes fast. Ultrasound at 18 weeks we along with Teighan see we are having a girl. I looked at his face, he was clearly in shock.  Teighan had no clue, and neither did Sean that she was going to change our world.  Or should I say rock our world.
She came into the world March 12, 2007 at 1415. She has forever changed me.
She is my whirlwind. She is my Roller coaster ride, my radio, my barefoot hippie, my sweet peach and dazzling diva, she will be the reason I drink(water) when she is 15-momhood. I pray every day that we can get along better then my mom and I do, and she still drives me crazy daily. But I love her totally and madly.
She gets on the bus tomorrow to start her school career which if I had more patience I would keep them both home and travel and teach. If I could find it in me to do all the things I want to do, I'd be a better mom but for today for now I am aware that I love her more then I realize and that tomorrow my baby girl is getting on a bus to go to kindergarten.
I know she is in good hands because Teighan also had this teacher and I know she will do well. Will she make it all day without me? Will she learn to read and write better? Will she come home missing me as much as I'm going to miss her? If I cry she cries, I can't cry tomorrow or she will. I will have to be strong for the both of us. For 5 years she was my baby and each night I went into her room(still do) and picked her up and rocked her. Apologizing for the day we may have had and enjoying the sweetness of silence, her peaceful sleeping beauty.
I take for granted the extremely loud, and always busy little girl I have. She embraces everything with so much energy and love so different from her brother. She is bubbly, and full of life and energy from the moment she wakes to the second she drifts off to sleep, and each day I pray for that sleep, not realizing that I truly enjoy her. I love watching her watch anything how she lights up. How she loves her brother, both brothers so much.  She'd do anything you ask if you ask nicely, but if you are mean she shuts down completely. She is mine all mine and I'm gonna miss her.
August 31, 2012 Takoda starts kindergarten. She rides a bus for the first time, has lunch and recess has different classes like PE and art. She is so excited, and I just want to hit pause, for one more day...seems like just yesterday she was singing the "I want my boppy song" and now well now I wish I could have bottled so much of that little girl up. 5 is too close to 10 which is too close to 20 and makes me too close to old...and I'm not ready for that.  The old part is fine, it's the grown up kids that is not.
I could be like the duggars, they're not crazy, they just love their children.
Here's to a successful first day for Takoda, and a tearless first day for me. Yes I will have Tate :) but each time it's different. Each one is special. She told me tonight that she doesn't want this one to be a girl. I said this one what? A baby! I am the only girl and I am special, I want to stay special cause I'm your baby girl.
Dear sweet peach of mine. You are my one and only girl. And you are my one and only you. Even if god blesses us with another girl she will not be you. You are more special then you will ever know and nothing will ever change that. I love you so very much. Don't you ever change who you are, your spirit helps me to love you even more.  You are my tornado and I am so blessed to have one daily!

Swim meets...

SO I thought long and hard about what I wanted to write, blog, post tonight. I border on the funny, that this morning I got up, late as usual(for me lately) rushing to get out the door to the swim meet.  As I was driving I was watching the clouds dance in front of me.  Wondering what the weather was supposed to do I turned on WTOP.  I listened intently, hoping it would just thunder and lightening so I could go back home and crawl back into bed.  But it didnt! 
We got to the pool, all the while I am praying I can seek shelter before the rain. I got the kids out.  Swim suits...check. Towels...check. Swim bags...check. Ok stand here, under the tail gate.  Got the stroller out, the folding chair, the cooler, camera, my book(what was I thinking), diaper bag, baby carrier thing, and baby.  Ok, ready to go.  Mind you it has changed from drizzle to rain, a steady flow.  We  start walking, and the skies decided to open up, COMPLETELY!  I was soaked.  We were soaked, but making our way towards the pool, 50yds  away. 
KaBOOM. Thunder.  Now, I know, after being a guard, and a swimmer, that thunder meant you GET OUT OF THE POOL! So we turned around, after having a quick shower and jump in the car.  Water and all, throwing the camera, diaper bag, cooler, book, baby carrier, swim bags, kids, folding chair, baby and stroller.  I didnt throw the baby or the kids...SO I climb in now drenched.  My shirt is so wet I take it off.  Who cares Im in my bra, I have to nurse Tate, it will just make it easier. He is screaming, I am steamed, but WHY?  Because Im soaked, because my new car that I have so desperately tried to keep clean now had 4 soaked people inside dripping water? I wanted to yell, I wanted to be pissed, but something inside me clicked.  WHY!
I laughed, took a picture of myself.  Put a movie on for the kids and grabbed Tate for his morning snack. I got the shower I so desperately wanted at 3am after his early morning breakfast, and I didnt have to worry about changing clothes, it was all wrapped up in a nice package!
As for the swim meet it went well.  Kids swam well, I have to keep telling myself they are 5 and 6.  To relax, they are having fun and to STOP being so COMPETITIVE!  Koda swam butterfly and did awesome was in 1st till the end, but she was 5 swimming against an 8yr old(I think).
I remember swimming in the rain, it was fun...
The rain can wash all our troubles and cares away, at least for today it did for me :)

Tornadoes...

So I have decided to write a comic, I want to start a comic although I am not sure how to start it, cant draw people worth a crap, and well have no literary talent.  I barely passed English courses in HS, and skated by in College.  Once I took the required entry level English, I stayed away by any means possible, taking, Greek and Roman lit, Russian womens lit, any other lit just not to take the dreaded English course.
Anyway, I digress.  Tornadoes.  Def. from wikipedia.. "A tornado is a violently rotating column of air ...They are often referred to as twisters or cyclones"

The Tornado, a T2, look her hand is in motion, its picking up momentium!

Could we adapt this for children, specifically one child, a little girl named Takoda?  I have decided that she is my tornado, a violently spinning mass, picking up and dropping things along her path of distruction, chaos, and grace. 
I say grace gently, because she is a sweet, caring, emotional little girl, but she is constantly leaving shoes, I mean shoe, and clothes, and socks, I mean sock, and jewelry, towels, underpants...whatever have you.  EVERYWHERE.  The bathroom, the kitchen, the bedroom, hers, mine, her brothers.  Thank goodness I only have 2 floors, and 3 rooms, plus the kitchen and the main play area(which is also my formal dining room, laundry room, and den...).  I find 1 sock, I loose 1 sock.  I find a shoe, she looses a shoe.  Im actually amazed that she still has matching socks, and shoes!
The best part about the tornado is that its not just her stuff either.  Its everyones stuff.  Her brothers, both of them now.  Each morning she decides she wants to pick out what Tate should wear, so she brings clothes,socks and shoes downstairs, or into my room, or whereever baby and I are.  I look at the outfit, matched or unmatched, and debate if it is worth making T3 super angry to change his outfit to appease her.  I decide against it.  She gets upset, but somehow the Tornado manages to bring the outfit with her. 
Her room is a hazmat scene.  I need it deemed a national emergency.  Today I went in and actually saw the floor probably because I got upset with her and told her she was NOT wearing a skirt to her playdate today(it was with Blake...her BF).  So she didnt have time to totally destruct her room.  But over the weekend, and probably tomorrow FEMA could come and help me put it back together.  Its hard too, because now she shares her room with Tate, even though he doesnt yet sleep in there. 
Anyway, my comic would be about Teighan, Im thinking T-Man, need to think of a superpower for him, Koda Woman, her superpower is Tornado like destruction(I suppose like Storm) and T3, not sure yet what his name or superpower is either.  Koda I watch and observe, all day, everyday.
I watch with awe and wonder at how something so sweet, can be full of such chaos and destruction, and at the same time do it all with such grace.
I watch her in the totally unmatched outfit, dance around the house dropping stuff all along her path.  She told her Dad the other day, when he said she didnt match, that famous people dont match!  Well she is set, fashionista here we come!
I have given up though, I suppose it comes with 3, a level of control you loose.  Another part of your sainity taken.  The mystery is not how to get it back but how to completely let it go and just run with it? 
The tornado has hit...we are in the direct path...but for how long?