My abscence...

This past December my family and I traveled to Hawaii. Our (now) yearly routine. While we were there my MIL introduced me to (what I thought to be new friends). We hung out for the whole time we were both there. Running into each other at the bars, or pools, or kid events. It was awesome. To have another couple similar in age to you, to hang out with. The kids loved each other and it was AWESOME!
We exchanged emails, and phone numbers. Little did I know I was sitting with royalty. Canadian royalty at best...no need to name names but apparently the class I'm in(middle...or barely) don't rub noses long with the upper class...or the elite.  The ones who dine with Oprah and Sara McLachlan and such...
SO. during this I mentioned I had a blog. This 'friend' read it and gave me her critiques. Many critiques, even one mentioning 'you don't know until you walk in my shoes...'(ha! walk in my shoes, where I push 2 pennies trying to make 500, and my kids dont see their dad for weeks...)
So I stopped. I stopped blogging, due to the words 'wow you really put yourself out there, its really vivid'. Then it came. The big one. I don't know why a stranger could hurt me soooo, suppose since I'm really alone on my voyage(minus my kids and my hubby) I don't have friends calling me, asking me how IM doing...or to go out or have dinner. Shit I'm lucky if I get an actual phone call for my birthday other then immediate family(I'm including MacD and Woelm family)
So I got this email. Stating she was too busy to keep in touch with me. Her husband a multi-millionaire++ I'm sure and her a published interior designer, meeting with Oprah and the likes...of course I was barking up the wrong tree. So she was too busy.(everyone says this these days, are we really too busy, or just too self absorbed? cause I find time to email or fb or text or shit even sometimes call when I can...especially if I know someone is in need)
I sent a few emails back, about Tate, since really the attraction was my children and not me. Trust me. I know. It's my kids. they're cute. and fun. and NOT me.  But never heard a word back.
But it hurt. BAD. Because I felt like I had made a friend, which for me(sob sob) doesn't happen often...or something I do sends them running. So I turned to the only person I knew to be honest. My husband and he told me I was overzealous and some other things. Then I asked my mom. She wasn't much more help.
SO I let it fester and build. and I hurt. For a long time. It hurt. each call not answered and each invite ignored or not sent.
But, now I'm back. I have stuff to say, and if I only have 4 followers or 4 million(HAHA) I cant keep it all inside.
My husband is gone next month 25 days. out of 31, meaning he is home for 6 which only 4 he is actually off...well that might have just changed, since his schedule changes like the wind. Army wives we are very similar, yet very different. Deployments. This is 6 years starting August(and i keep wishing I would know the end). 6 years he has been in and out like the wind. Leaving me to pick up all the pieces and put them back together each time he leaves. Only envy I have of you is that yours is consistent. Mine changes daily/weekly and he is home and gone the next day. I am no way saying I am better. I just wish I had the camaraderie that the military has. The understanding. The compassion. My FLEO works. A lot. I am ALONE. A LOT. maybe its my choice, but I have mentioned Id love to play softball even if I have to drive, or I have kids. Id love to be invited to the dinner, or outing...but I wait. My inbox full of spam and my phone full of(do not call) callers...
So I am blogging again. For my own sanity. For my dignity. For myself. Nothing I write is poetic or amazing, its just me. Getting out my thoughts like therapy.

Running.

It is 1213 or 0013. I am still up while everyone else is sleeping. Sean has been sleeping getting ready for his big race tomorrow. Marine Corps Marathon, 26.2 miles!

I think I am not sleeping because I am worried. Just like a wife to do. Worry. I know that he has trained, but has he trained enough, and has he ran long enough, and will he get enough sleep, good sleep(since he is sleeping in a hotel), will he be hungry, will he be ready, will he finish...of course the answer to all of these are yes. I'm sure he will and has done everything he needed to do to be ready, I just cant imagine it.

I do not like to run. I don't find the enjoyment out of it. My bones hurt, and my feet ache and a few years ago when I was kinda getting into running, I messed up my Achilles tendon...and never been the same since. The doc did say this about Achilles injuries, that sometimes your ankle is never the same.

As walking through the expo today, getting Sean's swag I was thinking to myself how cool it all was. I was amazed at how many people were there and all so fit and most is super shape.  I began to think that this running expo is just like a concert venue...for healthy people. Although I know healthy people enjoy concerts just as much as anyone.

As we were leaving the kids were really getting cranky because they were hungry, so we stopped at the super healthy food vendor...and got chicken fingers, french fries and nachos. Tate was now getting really fussy as he was hungry too. We decided to start on our way out.

Takoda eats like me, slow. So her nachos were full and so was her cheese. She is also super clumsy, so Sean decided to carry her nachos, since she would most likely drop them.

Nope. He did. He was holding them in his hand and it was like someone threw something at him, this is how the nacho tray flipped around and cheese got everywhere, and even though I was so tired, hungry and now frustrated since Tate wasn't cooperating...it was funny. It was actually hilarious since we just told Koda that we had to hold her nachos since she would spill them.

Anyway, after deciding that I should hold Teighans food and mine and juggling the baby, and the crowd of people. Dodging more vendors, and runners, participants and cars. We finally got to our car, and sat down on the grass behind the car.

At this point I had to go to the bathroom. Tate crying, kids eating, Sean I'm sure hungry too, and a very angry Ohanzee in the car. I ran down the hill to to portajohn. Yelled back to Sean, "My Marathon is everyday!"

I run everywhere, and all the time. I am running to the bathroom. I run to the bus stop, I run to the car, and then back in the house because I forgot my brain. I run to the store, and back. I run to the gym, and ride the bike while I'm there. I run to karate, and field hockey, and lacrosse. I run everywhere.

My Marathon is everyday, I run laps around 26.2, just in a different way. A different kind of running. I give mad props to those who can, I can't so I support all of you, especially my best friend, my wonderful husband and father to our incredible 3 children.

Raised by an Army man. Became an Army Brat, and have much respect for all branches of the military.

Good Luck to all you MCM participants, Frankenstorm...go ahead give us your best shot!  We got this!

HOORAH!

Shoes.

Shoes are a necessary part of our wardrobe. I always find myself looking at other peoples shoes. Sometimes wondering why the personal trainer at the gym who I know has a huge following and group workouts insists on wearing beat up old hole-y tennis shoes while doing his work out. I also wonder why the mom wore platform pumps to a school movie night but life goes on. She can rock them, I can not.

Sean got his super-fancy-handmade-especially-for-each-foot boots last Friday. He was not home to get them. He left that morning and they came late in the afternoon. When he called, he asked, "did my package get there yet?" "Yes honey, they did". He got home tonight. After surprising me with flowers, that were originally given to his boss and she said she didn't want them and for him to give them to me...and helping me get the baby down he came downstairs and found his boots.

Now let me give you a little history about these boots first.

Last year when we went to the Renn Fest he decided to go into the booth, a little before closing. We were a little beyond sober...Oh wait. I was preggo...so I wasn't drunk, I was exhausted, but maybe making poor judgement calls anyway.

Now we spent a good long time in this booth talking to the leathermen, he tried on a couple different pair and looked at me with those big puppy dog eyes, 'PpppPPlease". "Ok, honey, if you really want them." He had been talking about them for a very long time, trying on a pair at the first or second fest we ever went to. So He got his legs taped up, measured, it took an hour. At least. Tnt were running around, and I was exhausted and it was HOT, and HUMID, but mostly HOT!

So we finished the taping, and measuring and talking and trying on and they said they boots would be ready in a year.

WHAT? wait, WHAT, did you just say a year? Are you grooming the cow special for these boots. Wait that was messed up, but really...

OK, so we gave our deposit, and waited. He got emails, and emailed back, and sent more money, and waited, and waited, and occasionally would remind me of these shoes boots that were coming.

So last week he got an email saying the boots were almost done and would be here next week. They came last Friday.

He has them on. They are pretty cool, but ugly...kinda like uggs. Have a bunch of fur in the inside, seem pretty comfy, he will wear them everywhere just like he wears his 5 finger toe shoes.

So I said I want a pair of Jimmy Choos(just cause of the cost and time...), but then decided against that onto a pair of Christian Louboutin, the ones with the red soles...I found the perfect pair, I could wear in bed...cause there is no way I could ever walk in them, probably would break my ankle and back even trying.

C'mon, theyre hot right..??

I prefer these though...

much more my style, if I gotta pick some shoes :)

Other wise Ill choose bare feet or flip flops!

 

This is hard and thats ok!

So this is hard. This is so hard. SOOOOOO hard.
and...that is ok. Its ok that it is hard.
I don't admit that this is hard. Being a parent, basically a single parent a good 85% of the year is hard. Even being a parent with a spouse that is home every night is hard.
Parenting is hard.
If anyone ever tells you differently laugh at them. They are lying.
They can say, its rewarding, fun, adventurous, but they can not say it is easy. Even today on Ellen, I love Ellen by the way I may have mentioned that before. Anyway on Ellen Jennifer Garner was on, and said something about her youngest, and now that she has 3 she forgets things. I didn't catch it all, but it was her way of saying parenting is hard, even for her who has the means to have all the help she needs.
Its hard in a way that is challenging. Every day something different. A challenge to overcome and another hill to climb. The reward, hugs and kisses, and unconditional love and if you let yourself praise. Praise for getting through another day of 100,000 questions without knowing all the answers. The best part is tomorrow will be here before you know it and there is another hill to the journey, never a flat road, always a bump along the way.
I am a stay at home mom. I am a stay at home mom of 3. My first 2 are 17 months apart. My husband took this job when my Koda who is my middle child was 5months old. It was all in. No gradual step into a travelling job, it was right away. Thursday-Monday, Wednesday to Wednesday. 10 days, 14 days. I think so far our longest trip still is 18days. Which is a long trip don't get me wrong, but I know it cant compare to spouses of deployed men and women.
I have found strengths and courage I never knew I had. I have become more independent and this job has helped me grow in ways I never knew I could. Still some days I have to allow myself to admit this is hard. It is hard to solo parent, to get 3 kids up, to feed them, help them grow, bathe them, get them all back to bed, and at the end of the day just when I need want someone to talk to, there isn't anyone. So it is hard.
I am doing a good job. I am doing the best job with my situation. Not that it is a bad situation, it is just a difficult situation. Because not only am I alone, and lonely like I posted before, and my kids desperately missing their dad, but I miss my best friend. I miss my best friend and my lover.
I put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. Its only about keep on moving, or keep on truckin...

31 party...

How is it I am 33 and have no lady friends? I mean I have friends, when I go to karate, and I have friends when I go to dance(whom I miss) and I have friends from SABB, but I don't have lady friends.  None that I see regularly, go for a walk, a talk or a coffee? All my friends from high school, college or the sorority are still as close as grass in a field yet I feel as if I have been forgotten.

At least this is the way I feel. Numerous times I have mentioned that I wish I could come and 'play'. Have a girls night, or just be invited. Just being invited would make me feel so special. Maybe its time to move on. We all clearly have nothing in common anymore. I am married with children, and a husband who is never home. My idea of fun is now, quiet time without kids running around, but I long for adult interaction.

I. am. lonely.

There. I said it. I'm going to publish it too. I miss SABB preschool because no matter how tired I was, I looked forward to seeing my 'friends'. Really my children's friends parents that for a few minutes I got to be an adult and have adult conversation about something other then, whats for dinner, or can we play, or watch TV, or mommy, mommy...

I joined the 90 day fitness challenge at the gym. It is not helping. I feel guilty if I don't make it 3 days a week, due to life. I suppose this shows because I am still lonely. I have not really made a connection. I have met and talked with a few people, but I don't think they really want to hear that I am lonely. Or that my husband is away, cause I know, we all have our own baggage, don't want to hear about someone elses problems.

I long for friends, for someone to talk to, to call me and ask me to go for tea, or coffee, a beer! 

My phone never rings. When it does it is a handful of people or less. Usually it is my mom. But with my dad undergoing chemo, she doesn't call that much. We have great conversations through text, but not actually voice communication. So It could be my mom, Sean, or Katie. Sometime S(CIL), or rarely S(SIL) and even more infrequent my MIL.

I don't really know why we have a land line. I suppose in case of those locked in the kids room emergencies, but then it would be good to actually have a phone in their room.

I live through facebook(I know its sad). I am happy that I have a lot of friends, acquaintances on fb. We are friends through a computer. Never having to look at each other or talk with each other. It keeps me sane. I look forward to seeing what people are up to, it makes me happy to see everyone else having such a wonderful time. It does make me sad when I see all my friends gathered at one place having fun and I wasn't even invited...but I move on. Mention again, I would have come out to that new chic flick if you said you all were going...

Should I invite myself...thats just too desperate...

I actually would use the term friends rather loosely. Not saying I don't think of all of them as friends, but I'm not sure they think of me the same way anymore.

Today in the ladies locker room a woman was talking about 2 women who were talking about her friend. She told them(in her story) to stop talking about her that way, she is my friend and that is mean. I don't know that I have ever said that when in the middle of friends talking about another friend. I don't even know if someone would do that for me. I suppose I don't speak my mind ever. I am always so worried about hurting some one's feelings. Mine are at the expense of others. I get hurt. I cry. I stay at home and wish the phone would ring.

I am the woman standing alone wishing someone would invite her along. It took me almost 3 years to cultivate a friendship with a woman whom I dearly love now, at preschool. Is it fear? Fear of being rejected at an older age, cause HS sucked! SUCKED!!! College wasn't too much better, I am grateful for my friends who helped me get through.

There are a few of you I hold very close to my heart...but I'm sure you don't even know. J-you probably wont read this, but it was because of you I got through a lot of tough times in college. L-you are still my freaky tiki even though we never talk or see each other. I have had some of the best times with you, with all of you guys. K-My bestest. Even though you have a handful or 5 handful's of friends and make new ones everywhere you go, I love you. I am so happy we can just totally be truly ourselves with each other. I love how you can tell me exactly how you feel and vice versa, and when its all over we are still friends. Not mad or hurt, just friends, AK couldn't be further. S-you are my oldest. We have been through the most bumpy of roads together and I miss you. Wish I could be more honest with you but I'm afraid of history repeating itself.

I dunno. I have asked this before, if there was something wrong with me, would you tell me? I know I yell at my kids, and probably have in public. It happens, get over it. I know most of the time I am dressed very casual, never matching. I don't have a job other then keep these kids happy, so I don't need to dress to impress...I usually shower so I don't stink, and I always brush my teeth. But would you really tell me, tell me why? Is it cause I'm lonely, and alone? I would get a sitter, I have one now, and we could go out, and I could listen. Is it cause I'm a mom and you are not? Is it cause I will want to do it again next week, or make a weekly or monthly date? Is it cause he is always on the road? Your hubby is home so you have daily adult interaction. Gotta have girlfriends for when the going gets tough! I don't have a sister, or any family so friends are what I need to count on. What we all need!

SO what gives? I was asked by an old sorority sister of mine if I wanted to host a 31 party. Actually I do. I actually want to host a 'slumber party' since I have never been to one of 'those' parties and was always curious...but who would I invite? Would anyone even come?

You know what I am scared of the most. Is history repeating itself. My mom, love her, but she has no friends. She never seemed to have friends when I was little(at least thats what I saw) and now that I am older I know she doesn't have many friends. She says she is fine, and maybe she is but I am not. I do not want to be like her and I dont want my daughter to be like me. I didnt have many girlfriends ever and I want her to have an abundance of friends, I want her to have to tell people no I cant come to your party cause I have 6 others to go to, instead of longing for that one invitation.

Life gets us too busy. We forget in the hustle and bustle. I wish I could forget, but I wait, hoping that the phone will ring tonight.

The end...

The end of everything as we know it.

I was raised to be respectful to my elders. Even now as an equal....kinda I am still respectful. I will hold open a door, wait for someone to cross the street, help with whatever I see I can at that moment, but it is returned?

A few weeks ago Sean and I were out shopping or maybe at the grocery store. I'm not sure exactly what but we only had Tate. We were walking towards the door and 2 men walked in and 1 walked out of this door way. NONE held the door for me and the baby. I did not have the stroller, I was carrying the car seat. Sean was a few steps behind, not close enough to get the door but close enough to see what had happened.

He said, loudly. The end of chivalry.

Man, that boat sailed long ago babe! I said.

But its the end of so much more. The end of being polite, being nice. Offering a hand to someone in need. Being courteous, or genuine.

We live in a world that is so fast paced. Especially here in the USA. I have only visited one other country, Chile, S.A. and it was a much slower pace from what I can remember. They have fiesta at our lunch time. Do you even take a lunch? Or do you eat at your desk?

Does it hurt to hold open a door, or wait a minute longer for someone to cross the road, even if they are 99 years old with a walker and their loving husband or wife helping them to cross. They waved you on 3 times but patience is a virtue right, shouldn't we give them the time they need?

What about your grandma, or great grandma, or grandpa(s). Would you want them rushed along like they were insignificant trash? How about that they are less, less of a person now that they are old?

What about your wife, clearly she is a stay at home mom, look at her. Her hair is a mess, her clothes aren't in perfect condition, she doesn't need to be anywhere in a hurry. I'm much more important then her...or him. What about the stay at home dad? There are a few I know out there. Maybe they get the lucky advantage to work from home, or maybe they really just stay home with their kids cause mom makes more money? Do you rush him on..NO.

Did you know that that mom was up all night with 2 sick kids and her husband is deployed? Did you know that that dad just went to the store to get diapers for the baby, or a perscription for his wife? Did you know that Grandma just bought a sympathy card for her son in law, her daughter just lost her battle with breast cancer. How about that elderly couple, she is in hospice, this is their weekly time to go and have coffee together. Or that man in the wheelchair, hes a vet, lost both his legs, he's late for work. Think about this the next time you rush someone. Think about someone other then yourself, even if you cant think so far out, think about your wife, or mom or maybe your children.

When was the last time you said God bless you, or the other saying when people sneeze? How about Thank you, or have a nice day? Please? How about I'm sorry, or Hello.

Its not just an end to chivalry, but an end to everything. Our children might still being taught it, manners, or how to be, but we certainly forget it as we get older. I feel rushed all the time. In line at the grocery store, someone shuffling behind me, it was an older lady, but she clearly was getting irritated with me. It wasn't my fault, the machine was taking its time, but still do we treat each other with loving kindness, or even do we treat anyone the way we want to be treated?

I know I try hard to. My mom hates it. She hates when I wait for the 99 year old couple to cross the street, but there is something there. In those few moments waiting, and watching that I get. Its so immeasurable and I cant even explain it, but I get it. That peace and calmness I long for each day.

Try it. Try just letting go. Sitting back and being genuinely nice. Without wanting anything back, not even for someone else to follow your lead. Maybe people will just see what you have done and start their own daily act of kindness.

Open a door, hold it open all the way. Say bless you, say please and thank you. Say I'm sorry and mean it, really mean it. Call your friend just to say hello, not to complain, but to just say hello. Send a card, write a note in your kids lunch box. Say I love you. Don't cut in line, don't push, say excuse me. Say good morning and good night, tell the person who just checked you out at the register Have a nice day too.

Wait for the couple to cross the street, just sit and wait, insist they take their time and breathe it all in.

This will be you one day. You will wonder where it all went. When did it end?

Thank goodness for Roofs.

After a very long and extremely exhausting day I start a bath. A bath for a very fussy baby, that somehow becomes a different person after his bath. He loves them, starts talking after his bath not remembering why for the past hour he has been screaming. Red Faced. Screaming.

I am tired. Starting from midnight last night(Sunday). I could almost give a play by play. Actually it started even earlier, but we will stick with midnight for readers sake.

Teighan up. Croupy cough. Crying hysteria. Couldn't catch his breath. AWESOME. I calmed him down, reassuring him everything was ok. Listened to his lungs, sounded clear, and let him crawl into bed with me.

Tate up. Nursed back to sleep.

2am. I get to go to bed, finally... or do I?

Teighan up again. Cant breath. Cough, hack. bark. fuss. whine. cry. Falls back asleep.

5 am. Puts his head on my shoulder, crying. worried. Do I get everyone up for a ER trip now. Can I calm him down. Knowing deep in my heart we are going to the ER later. Lets see if mommy can just have another hour of sleep.

Oh. Koda has now joined the group. Body on the bed. Legs hanging off, complete blissful sleep.  Mommy, squished, uncomfortable but peaceful.

9am. Decided to head to the ER. 5 hours later ER trip successful. Nebulizer and Steroids. He doesn't like this. He cries. I reassure him again. I worry.

I though this RAD, or reactive airway he would have grown out of by now. I worry how tonight will be, why am I still up at 2330 writing a blog...I worry how the season will affect him, or did the small about of smoke at a bbq the other night get to him. I worry.

Home. Kids are extremely fussy. Koda now has a fever too. Runny nose. AWESOME.

So we do what we do. Stuff. Little laundry etc. Dinner...bed. back to bath.

Tate went down without a fuss finally.

8pm, kids up and fussing. I don't want to go to bed. ME: ITS TIME! I start yelling again, cause we had some yelling today, and well I decided to write our bedtime rules on a piece of paper and pin it to the door.

Yes. Success. I did it. Made Rules. Rules to be broken 500,000 more times, but at least they're there. They are posted for all to see. MOM MADE RULES.

In pinning the rules to the door, I must have closed the door shut. No problem.

Sat down on the floor, did bedtime ritual of books and stories. Turned on music, off light, kiss, kiss grab the door knob.

Doesn't open.

Try again. Harder, HARDER. Doesn't open.

 Awesome. The rules got me stuck in the bedroom, with the 2 I so desperately want to be asleep so mommy can go to sleep, clean kitchen...Have a beer.

Ok. what to do. what to do. I look around for anything. Nothing. I don't bring my phone in to bed time. No phone in their room, we only have 1 house phone, the other broke...Hulk SMASH!

Flashlight!  YES!! I can do SOS. I don't know SOS, but I can try SOS.  no batteries. Note to self: replace batteries, and put more flash lights in kids room.

Keep looking. nothing. NOTHING. not even a whistle. or noise maker. Note to self: buy T drums he has been asking for. But on a serious note, put whistles and noise makers in their bedroom.

What am I doing. What is my plan. Well my plan is to poke my head out and see if Neighbors are smoking. NO. Lights off. uh OH!! Other neighbors light is on.

I start calling. Nothing They don't smoke, but they have a dog. Maybe I will get lucky and Dude will be out. Nope. No luck.

Ok. I need a new plan. I have to throw something, because if I crawl out onto the roof, and try to jump down we will be back in the ER. well, if anyone hears me fall, cause again there is no phone for the kids to call 911. Do they even know the numbers? 9-1-1...

Ok. shoes, flip flops. books. Nothing to throw, until I found it. The ball that saved the day.

I crawled out the window onto the roof, all the while telling the kids never to do this. Also telling them if we ever have a fire this is how we will get out... We were just practicing our fire drill.  I threw the ball, thank goodness, they heard it, but weren't opening the door. I heard them talking about the noise, and then I saw him and yelled again.

He came out, and looked up, puzzled. Why are you up there. Ugh we are locked out. I mean in. Locked in the kids bedroom.

Why?

I dunno, the door is locked and I have nothing to help me. Can you go knock on the other neighbors door, they have a key. Note to self, this is the 2nd time James has helped me in a pinch...give them a key and baked goods.

He comes back. They're not home. AWESOME.

James: Hey try a wire.

Me: (thoughts)Yes, of course. I didn't think of that(I did...) but I am in my kids room. With kids clothes, from kids stores. What are they hanging on? Kids plastic hangers. So he goes and gets me a hanger, and makes it straight so I can pop the lock.

Me: Nope. Not gonna do it. The house is 30? Years old, the doors and locks are the same age. The hanger wouldn't even fit into the lock let alone make it budge.

James: He gets the ladder out, and climbs up and tries.

Me: NOPE. I told you. It wasn't going to work.

James: Ok, Ill be right back...

Comes back with a hammer and a flat head screwdriver to take the door off the hinges.  Did I mention he crawled in the same window I crawled out of?

The baby is now crying. I have been locked in the room for about an hour, and the door is NOT coming off the hinges. It is stuck.

He asks, how long have you been here. I thought he meant living in the house, that is why the door was stuck.

Ugh, 7 years...

No I mean in the room. 1 hour.

I lost it. I started laughing so hard. Then finally, with a lot of giggling, and pulling the door finally came off. He put it back on and I asked him how he wanted to leave, conventional or unconventional. He chose conventional.

I realized in the few moments watching with intense anxiety for the door to open, that I was put here tonight. We Teighan, Takoda and I were stratigically put here. To spend uninterrupted time solving a problem and then letting go. Letting go of the day, or the stress and worry and laughing uncontrollably...

Thank goodness for roofs, townhouses, nice neighbors, and doors that lock...never know when you need the laugh.