Special Agent of M.O.M...

As Sean is on the road again lets recap since June, cause I cant much remember much before this.  June Sean was gone 23 days.  July not much better, don't have an exact date but I do remember he only had 5 days off(not consecutive), and August, don't let me start 22 days so far, and he is gone until the 8th of September.
Yes the joys of being married to my best friend(some days) and love of my life(other days) and a Special Agent.  Special Agent of what I wonder, being gone all the time.  Yes I can vent because I am on the roller coaster ride and its going so fast we are missing, 1, 2, 3 month markers, he is missing 1st days of school, and I am holding down the fort.  I run a extremely tight ship, and really need to let go a little.  My parents ran a tight ship, and look(for those of you who know me well) what happened in HS...college...I ENJOYED my life finally.  I am not enjoying life today, or yesterday.
I have moments I hold onto, like Tates little laugh, or Takoda's constant bubbly outlook on everything, and her bouncy curls or her endless conversations with the air, I hold on to everything Teighan, how really sweet he can be when he wants, and how he really loves, but is afraid to show it in public, how my 1st little boy is almost 7 and growing up too fast.  I hold on to the 1sts, first roll overs, crawling, walking, talking.  I hold on to the nights rushing by myself to the ER or the late night pediatric care with a 104 fever, then myself 4 days later like clockwork getting sick.
I should hold on to my first trip to Hawaii.  I had always wanted to go to Hawaii and Australia.  Once.  I have been to Hawaii every year since 2008. One year twice!  My first trip January 3 or 4 2008.  Sean had to go for work, YES work...and he ends up having work there every year, which is AWESOME!  Anyway I digress, I do this a lot.  Blogging for some people may be about one particular event, but for me, my brain is at a constant whirlwind so sometimes its very bouncy...like koda's curls.
My first trip to Hawaii, I had a 26 month old, or just over 2, and an 9 month old...who was still nursing.  I was determined after my mom changed her mind(we got bumped and our flight canceled and then she jumped and cancelled the flight so they didn't find us another one, and well she bailed)  I was so upset, it was our first Christmas with Takoda and he already missed that, got home on the 28 of December and then had to leave on the 1st of January.  SO, I found myself a flight for 2, Koda was on my lap and my MIL got me a car service to take me to the airport, I was FREAKING OUT, he drove all over the place talking about his new GPS, its was 4am I was already tired as it was the first 6 months on this new position of travelling cop...and the driver is almost going to kill me and my precious children.  YES I said precious, because at this point in the morning they were perfect!
I flew from BWI to Arizona, then to Kona, HI.  It was a long flight, and that's just the first one.  We made it, very tired mom, but we made it. It was a hard trip as Sean worked and was off the resort most of the time and how do you get babies to nap when they're off their schedule and in a beautiful vacation land.  I ate a lot by myself and reflected on this journey I just made, and I decided I would never, ever go on another trip with him while he was working.  What did I do, went to California the next year so we could be together again at Christmas time. Cause that's what moms do, that's what I do.
I have since made this trip 5 more times by myself with the kids, one including last year pregnant with #3 and I plan on making our 6 trip this Winter with a 8 month old again who will also still be nursing. I have been told I am supermom, but I don't hear or believe it.  I am just a mom, like all moms who want to give their children everything and anything in their power and lots and lots of LOVE.
I read a blog tonight that said "dear sweet mom who thinks she is failing"(and I needed it, and I cried and I realized I am doing a good job, cause everyone is still happy and healthy, even the dog) and I decided my blog is for me.  Maybe someone will get a laugh or a cry or I will get an uplifting or motivational email or a call from an old friend, but I shouldn't worry if I offend anyone cause its my blog right?
Anyway, Special Agent has a loose term, I often think of Special Agent OSO, he used to be on noggin, do you remember noggin, its not around anymore.  Did I say special agent, I meant Secret Agent, wait what the heck is Sean, I'm lost.  He is a cop.  I am the special agent.  I am the one, the force to be reckoned with.  As he says, I need to ask my wife, or let me check...because after being gone 2 weeks and getting hit for another trip ending up not coming home, he checks.  What can I say really, NO?  Yeah right, I just hold down the fort, hanging on for dear life to the tent tie downs...
I called my BIL the other day, we talked about a BAT, that flew into the house, MY HOUSE!  Then when I asked to speak with my SIL, he said 'hold on here's the boss' cause yes that is exactly what we are, the BOSS, the SPECIAL AGENT, the SECRET AGENT, whatever it is, we are it. 
We are M.O.M...a secret and very special organization if you are lucky enough to join.  You have a very special initiation ceremony that takes place one special night, only to finalize in a hospital room that ends up with one very precious miracle. Our badge of honor sometimes is hours old, or maybe even day old spit up, or poop, or food or puke, or tears, or marker...Our hair is sometimes messy, in a very perfect way.  Our uniform consists of whatever is the easiest and closest to pull on when running to make the bus.  Usually yoga pants and an old Tshirt, some days we have our professional clothes which may even match. Our weapon depending on the day could be a crying baby, whining child or extremely stressed and tired self that can give the look of death without breaking a sweat. Our boss, we dont have one, well maybe the big guy in the sky, or whomever your deity is. We do things our own way, and we learn every day.  We may break open a parenting book or website in this day of technology, we take notes and we try to do it better the next day.
Our payment, its the best, something only us Special Agent of M.O.M gets...lots of unconditional love, hugs, kisses, tears, boo boos, 1st's, 2nd's 100ths, baby toes, and runny noses and those first words.  We often forget in the hustle and bustle how amazing we are as moms, and I know we judge and criticize ourselves and others...and really we are all the same.  Trying to raise the best little people we can, however we can. Rich or Poor, we are all the same. Loving and hard working, unpaid, and overworked, and at the end of the day extremely, extremely overjoyed and full of happiness.
Today I got 3 kids up fed, 2 off to school, volunteered for lunch, came home played, played some more. Got eaten alive by Skeeters cause I went outside to let my kids play, then I got 3 back into bed only to start over again tomorrow.  But tomorrow will be different cause its not today, and it will be better in some way.
Live, Laugh and Love. 

Today is the day!

Today is the day she starts kindergarten.  I prayed for this day all week. All summer it seems like. Since I was pregnant and then since Tate came home. I prayed for summer to be over for it to be just us, but now tomorrow is finally here and I am rushing them off and I want to hit the pause and rewind button. I am not ok tonight, thus why I am still awake at 1am.
I remember the moment I knew I was pregnant again...I was crying at my cousins wedding(cousin in law) crying uncontrobably in the bathroom after hearing her father daughter song... I couldn't get enough of Aunt Pats macaroni salad. We went to target a few days later and I snuck a test in the cart. He said really, I said yes really. Sure enough it was + positive!! His comment was the exact same as when we found out with Teighan, are you sure, you should take another. With Teighan I had taken like 20 before I decided that it was true...I was in denial.  Anyway I was pregnant and my first little baby boy was only 9 months old. Ok life changes fast. Ultrasound at 18 weeks we along with Teighan see we are having a girl. I looked at his face, he was clearly in shock.  Teighan had no clue, and neither did Sean that she was going to change our world.  Or should I say rock our world.
She came into the world March 12, 2007 at 1415. She has forever changed me.
She is my whirlwind. She is my Roller coaster ride, my radio, my barefoot hippie, my sweet peach and dazzling diva, she will be the reason I drink(water) when she is 15-momhood. I pray every day that we can get along better then my mom and I do, and she still drives me crazy daily. But I love her totally and madly.
She gets on the bus tomorrow to start her school career which if I had more patience I would keep them both home and travel and teach. If I could find it in me to do all the things I want to do, I'd be a better mom but for today for now I am aware that I love her more then I realize and that tomorrow my baby girl is getting on a bus to go to kindergarten.
I know she is in good hands because Teighan also had this teacher and I know she will do well. Will she make it all day without me? Will she learn to read and write better? Will she come home missing me as much as I'm going to miss her? If I cry she cries, I can't cry tomorrow or she will. I will have to be strong for the both of us. For 5 years she was my baby and each night I went into her room(still do) and picked her up and rocked her. Apologizing for the day we may have had and enjoying the sweetness of silence, her peaceful sleeping beauty.
I take for granted the extremely loud, and always busy little girl I have. She embraces everything with so much energy and love so different from her brother. She is bubbly, and full of life and energy from the moment she wakes to the second she drifts off to sleep, and each day I pray for that sleep, not realizing that I truly enjoy her. I love watching her watch anything how she lights up. How she loves her brother, both brothers so much.  She'd do anything you ask if you ask nicely, but if you are mean she shuts down completely. She is mine all mine and I'm gonna miss her.
August 31, 2012 Takoda starts kindergarten. She rides a bus for the first time, has lunch and recess has different classes like PE and art. She is so excited, and I just want to hit pause, for one more day...seems like just yesterday she was singing the "I want my boppy song" and now well now I wish I could have bottled so much of that little girl up. 5 is too close to 10 which is too close to 20 and makes me too close to old...and I'm not ready for that.  The old part is fine, it's the grown up kids that is not.
I could be like the duggars, they're not crazy, they just love their children.
Here's to a successful first day for Takoda, and a tearless first day for me. Yes I will have Tate :) but each time it's different. Each one is special. She told me tonight that she doesn't want this one to be a girl. I said this one what? A baby! I am the only girl and I am special, I want to stay special cause I'm your baby girl.
Dear sweet peach of mine. You are my one and only girl. And you are my one and only you. Even if god blesses us with another girl she will not be you. You are more special then you will ever know and nothing will ever change that. I love you so very much. Don't you ever change who you are, your spirit helps me to love you even more.  You are my tornado and I am so blessed to have one daily!

Swim meets...

SO I thought long and hard about what I wanted to write, blog, post tonight. I border on the funny, that this morning I got up, late as usual(for me lately) rushing to get out the door to the swim meet.  As I was driving I was watching the clouds dance in front of me.  Wondering what the weather was supposed to do I turned on WTOP.  I listened intently, hoping it would just thunder and lightening so I could go back home and crawl back into bed.  But it didnt! 
We got to the pool, all the while I am praying I can seek shelter before the rain. I got the kids out.  Swim suits...check. Towels...check. Swim bags...check. Ok stand here, under the tail gate.  Got the stroller out, the folding chair, the cooler, camera, my book(what was I thinking), diaper bag, baby carrier thing, and baby.  Ok, ready to go.  Mind you it has changed from drizzle to rain, a steady flow.  We  start walking, and the skies decided to open up, COMPLETELY!  I was soaked.  We were soaked, but making our way towards the pool, 50yds  away. 
KaBOOM. Thunder.  Now, I know, after being a guard, and a swimmer, that thunder meant you GET OUT OF THE POOL! So we turned around, after having a quick shower and jump in the car.  Water and all, throwing the camera, diaper bag, cooler, book, baby carrier, swim bags, kids, folding chair, baby and stroller.  I didnt throw the baby or the kids...SO I climb in now drenched.  My shirt is so wet I take it off.  Who cares Im in my bra, I have to nurse Tate, it will just make it easier. He is screaming, I am steamed, but WHY?  Because Im soaked, because my new car that I have so desperately tried to keep clean now had 4 soaked people inside dripping water? I wanted to yell, I wanted to be pissed, but something inside me clicked.  WHY!
I laughed, took a picture of myself.  Put a movie on for the kids and grabbed Tate for his morning snack. I got the shower I so desperately wanted at 3am after his early morning breakfast, and I didnt have to worry about changing clothes, it was all wrapped up in a nice package!
As for the swim meet it went well.  Kids swam well, I have to keep telling myself they are 5 and 6.  To relax, they are having fun and to STOP being so COMPETITIVE!  Koda swam butterfly and did awesome was in 1st till the end, but she was 5 swimming against an 8yr old(I think).
I remember swimming in the rain, it was fun...
The rain can wash all our troubles and cares away, at least for today it did for me :)

Tornadoes...

So I have decided to write a comic, I want to start a comic although I am not sure how to start it, cant draw people worth a crap, and well have no literary talent.  I barely passed English courses in HS, and skated by in College.  Once I took the required entry level English, I stayed away by any means possible, taking, Greek and Roman lit, Russian womens lit, any other lit just not to take the dreaded English course.
Anyway, I digress.  Tornadoes.  Def. from wikipedia.. "A tornado is a violently rotating column of air ...They are often referred to as twisters or cyclones"

The Tornado, a T2, look her hand is in motion, its picking up momentium!

Could we adapt this for children, specifically one child, a little girl named Takoda?  I have decided that she is my tornado, a violently spinning mass, picking up and dropping things along her path of distruction, chaos, and grace. 
I say grace gently, because she is a sweet, caring, emotional little girl, but she is constantly leaving shoes, I mean shoe, and clothes, and socks, I mean sock, and jewelry, towels, underpants...whatever have you.  EVERYWHERE.  The bathroom, the kitchen, the bedroom, hers, mine, her brothers.  Thank goodness I only have 2 floors, and 3 rooms, plus the kitchen and the main play area(which is also my formal dining room, laundry room, and den...).  I find 1 sock, I loose 1 sock.  I find a shoe, she looses a shoe.  Im actually amazed that she still has matching socks, and shoes!
The best part about the tornado is that its not just her stuff either.  Its everyones stuff.  Her brothers, both of them now.  Each morning she decides she wants to pick out what Tate should wear, so she brings clothes,socks and shoes downstairs, or into my room, or whereever baby and I are.  I look at the outfit, matched or unmatched, and debate if it is worth making T3 super angry to change his outfit to appease her.  I decide against it.  She gets upset, but somehow the Tornado manages to bring the outfit with her. 
Her room is a hazmat scene.  I need it deemed a national emergency.  Today I went in and actually saw the floor probably because I got upset with her and told her she was NOT wearing a skirt to her playdate today(it was with Blake...her BF).  So she didnt have time to totally destruct her room.  But over the weekend, and probably tomorrow FEMA could come and help me put it back together.  Its hard too, because now she shares her room with Tate, even though he doesnt yet sleep in there. 
Anyway, my comic would be about Teighan, Im thinking T-Man, need to think of a superpower for him, Koda Woman, her superpower is Tornado like destruction(I suppose like Storm) and T3, not sure yet what his name or superpower is either.  Koda I watch and observe, all day, everyday.
I watch with awe and wonder at how something so sweet, can be full of such chaos and destruction, and at the same time do it all with such grace.
I watch her in the totally unmatched outfit, dance around the house dropping stuff all along her path.  She told her Dad the other day, when he said she didnt match, that famous people dont match!  Well she is set, fashionista here we come!
I have given up though, I suppose it comes with 3, a level of control you loose.  Another part of your sainity taken.  The mystery is not how to get it back but how to completely let it go and just run with it? 
The tornado has hit...we are in the direct path...but for how long?

Mothers Day

SO 7am...I wake up after going to bed at 1am not too bad considering I do have a 1mo old.  He slept really well last night, he also nursed for an hour and a half, and I offered him 50ml of breastmilk cause he seemed fussy.  This is not the case at all, he just prefers the boob to a pacifier, although he will accept a finger, either the pinkie(Sean's) or the ring finger(mine) as a far off second.  So he slept, he should have, he probably had 4oz at least in his belly.
So back to waking up, I found my Mothers Day cards for my mom and my MIL last night and signed them and put them for Sean to sign if he wanted to.  Didnt know if he got cards or not, but as I was nursing T3 this morning, I heard scratching(like a pen on paper) so I figured he remembered.  I pretended I didnt hear this, somewhat expecting a card shortly...but I didnt get one. 
I mentioned the cards for the MIL's and he said he got one for his mom so I went back to my focus at hand a little one latched for dear life onto my nipple.  I then heard him say the kids, we didnt get cards from the kids.  I said have them make some.  So he went downstairs and had them make theirs.
Still waiting and wondering, I finished and got dressed.  T came up giving me my card from them, and said I looked pretty and Happy Mothers Day.  We all went to breakfast, which was delicious and probably enough calories for the whole day.  Then we ventured to the mall to pick up the mothers day presents I had ordered for the moms, and friends in my life, pictures of the kids, all of them :)
When we finally got back home, we Sean and I were standing in our bedroom and I realized that I didnt get a card from him, so something prompted him to say something about buying something(I dont remember what exactly).  So I said kiddingly seriously...Kiddingly :) Hi honey, xoxoxo, did you get me a card too?  Oh, honey, he followed me into the bathroom as I was going to use the bathroom and said, whispering in my ear "I found those in my drawer...from last year".  OH, ok you are off the hook, so you didnt just forget me, you totally forgot, and just got lucky that you had a mom and mommy one for me and your mom.  OK, phew, I thought for a minute he just forgot his wife, that just had a baby, and well broke doctors orders already, well quite a few times for quite a few things, I dont listen very well.  I suppose this is why my children dont listen very well either, lead by example they say...
Anyway, he then said, as I am sitting on the toliet, that he DID get me a card, it was a pop up, and all I had to do is pull the zipper to get it...LOL

Sex?

Sex...
Sex.....
Sex......
6 weeks for sex?  Really, why?  I dunno. C'mon...
We are going to be in trouble.
You are looking for trouble...
There is going to be a T4...
Sex...
I laugh, and laugh, and laugh and Im not laughing at anyone, just the situation.  It is hard to be married to a man that well...you could...you know ANYTIME, ANYWHERE...no holds bard...
BUT, 6 weeks....
He goes back on the road(before 6 weeks!!!) and then our natural birth control starts again, if he isnt here...
BUT, SEX!
I am thinking just the same way he does, cause, well, its hard to be married to a man that you, well...I wrote it above.
Im thinking that we shouldnt be able to go vacationing on our own for a while cause trouble will be cumming....LOL
Its good though, being married to a man who still does that to you each time you see him, especially Neked...and apparently even after 3 babies, 3 csections he still wants you the same way :)
Like I have said before I am blessed, I am thankful we found each other in the bar that night...even though we only talked and didnt see each other again for a month or so...he never left my mind(I suppose I left his, he was pretty drunk...but thats not the story Ive heard)
So Sex.  There shouldnt be any reason why anyone gets embarrased by reading this, or thinking about it(SEX) it is good and healthy. I feel sad for the people out there who arent getting any, I can understand why people could cheat after years and years of not getting any, it is important for any relationship to stay healthy, so go out and get you some!

Transition...

So I thought that the transition from being pregnant to having a newborn would be much easier then this.  However I forgot that I have 2 older children that need me a lot and have lots of activities.
I call this transition, the point where I go from being a mom to a 6 and 5 year old to being a mom to a newborn, then a mom to a 5 and 6 year old.  I put it this way because my priority right now has to be Tate, then Koda then Teighan.  Although T is my most sensitive child, I think this new baby has hit K much harder then T.  My priority the past few months has been T, with helping with school and reading, but now he is truckin on, all by himself so he is ok.  Still needs me to look over his reading sometimes he misses words or doesnt read them right, but for the most part he is ok.
K needs me right now, which is really hard because T3 takes a lot of my time.  K is very mopy and sad.  If I cry(because I am stressed or because Tate hasnt been eating well...another blog) she cries hysterically and I cant get her to settle.  The first night I read them stories after T3 was born, I cried and then they cried.  It was a crying fest.  It is much harder then I thought.  Since Sean has been travelling since K was 6mo old, its basically always been me solo, and them.  We had our routine, everynight same thing, baths, stories, bed.  Now Im lucky if I get upstairs for bath and bed(myself).
T3 is doing well, not really gaining weight and not nursing well(even though there is plenty of milk) so this has been an issue for me.  I am now supplementing pumped milk, but I am nursing, pumping, feeding, nursing, pumping, feeding......
Thank goodness Sean is still home to help out I dont know what will happen on Monday when he goes back to work, then on the 24 is his first trip, 6 days...Everyone says I will fall right back into my routine, and I probably will, I am just nervous.
I am the type of mom(unfortuantely) that beats herself up if she doesnt do the best for her kids all the time.  If I dont spend enough time with each of them, or read to them, or help with homework, or make lunch...I will have a heartattack, from focusing so much on them(or others) then myself.  I need to allow myself to slip, and fall sometimes.
I am lucky to have a great pediatrician who reminds me of this.  Who reminded me that if TnT watch a little too much TV, or eat a little unhealthy, or go to bed without a bath they will live.  I gave them 100% attention the first year although K had to share with T and now both TnT have to share with T3...and I have to learn how to divide my time, and still have my sanity.
So transition has been much harder then I thought, when people ask me if Im happy not to be pregnant anymore, I answer NO.  I enjoyed being pregnant, if I didnt have csections, I would have more...who knows, maybe there will be a T4 :) 
Being pregnant I still could do my routine, now I just have to figure out a new one, maybe K gets to school really early, or a few minutes late, its only a few more weeks.  Maybe T has to become more self relient and walk to and from the bus stop by himself some mornings.  Maybe T3 has to wait a little longer to nurse or earlier...I dunno.
All I do know is I am blessed to have 3 healthy children, lucky to have a wonderful, loving, helpful husband, and its ok if my house is messy, and my hair not perfect as long as we are all happy!
Now to get in some me time...0;)