Shoes.

Shoes are a necessary part of our wardrobe. I always find myself looking at other peoples shoes. Sometimes wondering why the personal trainer at the gym who I know has a huge following and group workouts insists on wearing beat up old hole-y tennis shoes while doing his work out. I also wonder why the mom wore platform pumps to a school movie night but life goes on. She can rock them, I can not.

Sean got his super-fancy-handmade-especially-for-each-foot boots last Friday. He was not home to get them. He left that morning and they came late in the afternoon. When he called, he asked, "did my package get there yet?" "Yes honey, they did". He got home tonight. After surprising me with flowers, that were originally given to his boss and she said she didn't want them and for him to give them to me...and helping me get the baby down he came downstairs and found his boots.

Now let me give you a little history about these boots first.

Last year when we went to the Renn Fest he decided to go into the booth, a little before closing. We were a little beyond sober...Oh wait. I was preggo...so I wasn't drunk, I was exhausted, but maybe making poor judgement calls anyway.

Now we spent a good long time in this booth talking to the leathermen, he tried on a couple different pair and looked at me with those big puppy dog eyes, 'PpppPPlease". "Ok, honey, if you really want them." He had been talking about them for a very long time, trying on a pair at the first or second fest we ever went to. So He got his legs taped up, measured, it took an hour. At least. Tnt were running around, and I was exhausted and it was HOT, and HUMID, but mostly HOT!

So we finished the taping, and measuring and talking and trying on and they said they boots would be ready in a year.

WHAT? wait, WHAT, did you just say a year? Are you grooming the cow special for these boots. Wait that was messed up, but really...

OK, so we gave our deposit, and waited. He got emails, and emailed back, and sent more money, and waited, and waited, and occasionally would remind me of these shoes boots that were coming.

So last week he got an email saying the boots were almost done and would be here next week. They came last Friday.

He has them on. They are pretty cool, but ugly...kinda like uggs. Have a bunch of fur in the inside, seem pretty comfy, he will wear them everywhere just like he wears his 5 finger toe shoes.

So I said I want a pair of Jimmy Choos(just cause of the cost and time...), but then decided against that onto a pair of Christian Louboutin, the ones with the red soles...I found the perfect pair, I could wear in bed...cause there is no way I could ever walk in them, probably would break my ankle and back even trying.

C'mon, theyre hot right..??

I prefer these though...

much more my style, if I gotta pick some shoes :)

Other wise Ill choose bare feet or flip flops!

 

This is hard and thats ok!

So this is hard. This is so hard. SOOOOOO hard.
and...that is ok. Its ok that it is hard.
I don't admit that this is hard. Being a parent, basically a single parent a good 85% of the year is hard. Even being a parent with a spouse that is home every night is hard.
Parenting is hard.
If anyone ever tells you differently laugh at them. They are lying.
They can say, its rewarding, fun, adventurous, but they can not say it is easy. Even today on Ellen, I love Ellen by the way I may have mentioned that before. Anyway on Ellen Jennifer Garner was on, and said something about her youngest, and now that she has 3 she forgets things. I didn't catch it all, but it was her way of saying parenting is hard, even for her who has the means to have all the help she needs.
Its hard in a way that is challenging. Every day something different. A challenge to overcome and another hill to climb. The reward, hugs and kisses, and unconditional love and if you let yourself praise. Praise for getting through another day of 100,000 questions without knowing all the answers. The best part is tomorrow will be here before you know it and there is another hill to the journey, never a flat road, always a bump along the way.
I am a stay at home mom. I am a stay at home mom of 3. My first 2 are 17 months apart. My husband took this job when my Koda who is my middle child was 5months old. It was all in. No gradual step into a travelling job, it was right away. Thursday-Monday, Wednesday to Wednesday. 10 days, 14 days. I think so far our longest trip still is 18days. Which is a long trip don't get me wrong, but I know it cant compare to spouses of deployed men and women.
I have found strengths and courage I never knew I had. I have become more independent and this job has helped me grow in ways I never knew I could. Still some days I have to allow myself to admit this is hard. It is hard to solo parent, to get 3 kids up, to feed them, help them grow, bathe them, get them all back to bed, and at the end of the day just when I need want someone to talk to, there isn't anyone. So it is hard.
I am doing a good job. I am doing the best job with my situation. Not that it is a bad situation, it is just a difficult situation. Because not only am I alone, and lonely like I posted before, and my kids desperately missing their dad, but I miss my best friend. I miss my best friend and my lover.
I put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. Its only about keep on moving, or keep on truckin...

31 party...

How is it I am 33 and have no lady friends? I mean I have friends, when I go to karate, and I have friends when I go to dance(whom I miss) and I have friends from SABB, but I don't have lady friends.  None that I see regularly, go for a walk, a talk or a coffee? All my friends from high school, college or the sorority are still as close as grass in a field yet I feel as if I have been forgotten.

At least this is the way I feel. Numerous times I have mentioned that I wish I could come and 'play'. Have a girls night, or just be invited. Just being invited would make me feel so special. Maybe its time to move on. We all clearly have nothing in common anymore. I am married with children, and a husband who is never home. My idea of fun is now, quiet time without kids running around, but I long for adult interaction.

I. am. lonely.

There. I said it. I'm going to publish it too. I miss SABB preschool because no matter how tired I was, I looked forward to seeing my 'friends'. Really my children's friends parents that for a few minutes I got to be an adult and have adult conversation about something other then, whats for dinner, or can we play, or watch TV, or mommy, mommy...

I joined the 90 day fitness challenge at the gym. It is not helping. I feel guilty if I don't make it 3 days a week, due to life. I suppose this shows because I am still lonely. I have not really made a connection. I have met and talked with a few people, but I don't think they really want to hear that I am lonely. Or that my husband is away, cause I know, we all have our own baggage, don't want to hear about someone elses problems.

I long for friends, for someone to talk to, to call me and ask me to go for tea, or coffee, a beer! 

My phone never rings. When it does it is a handful of people or less. Usually it is my mom. But with my dad undergoing chemo, she doesn't call that much. We have great conversations through text, but not actually voice communication. So It could be my mom, Sean, or Katie. Sometime S(CIL), or rarely S(SIL) and even more infrequent my MIL.

I don't really know why we have a land line. I suppose in case of those locked in the kids room emergencies, but then it would be good to actually have a phone in their room.

I live through facebook(I know its sad). I am happy that I have a lot of friends, acquaintances on fb. We are friends through a computer. Never having to look at each other or talk with each other. It keeps me sane. I look forward to seeing what people are up to, it makes me happy to see everyone else having such a wonderful time. It does make me sad when I see all my friends gathered at one place having fun and I wasn't even invited...but I move on. Mention again, I would have come out to that new chic flick if you said you all were going...

Should I invite myself...thats just too desperate...

I actually would use the term friends rather loosely. Not saying I don't think of all of them as friends, but I'm not sure they think of me the same way anymore.

Today in the ladies locker room a woman was talking about 2 women who were talking about her friend. She told them(in her story) to stop talking about her that way, she is my friend and that is mean. I don't know that I have ever said that when in the middle of friends talking about another friend. I don't even know if someone would do that for me. I suppose I don't speak my mind ever. I am always so worried about hurting some one's feelings. Mine are at the expense of others. I get hurt. I cry. I stay at home and wish the phone would ring.

I am the woman standing alone wishing someone would invite her along. It took me almost 3 years to cultivate a friendship with a woman whom I dearly love now, at preschool. Is it fear? Fear of being rejected at an older age, cause HS sucked! SUCKED!!! College wasn't too much better, I am grateful for my friends who helped me get through.

There are a few of you I hold very close to my heart...but I'm sure you don't even know. J-you probably wont read this, but it was because of you I got through a lot of tough times in college. L-you are still my freaky tiki even though we never talk or see each other. I have had some of the best times with you, with all of you guys. K-My bestest. Even though you have a handful or 5 handful's of friends and make new ones everywhere you go, I love you. I am so happy we can just totally be truly ourselves with each other. I love how you can tell me exactly how you feel and vice versa, and when its all over we are still friends. Not mad or hurt, just friends, AK couldn't be further. S-you are my oldest. We have been through the most bumpy of roads together and I miss you. Wish I could be more honest with you but I'm afraid of history repeating itself.

I dunno. I have asked this before, if there was something wrong with me, would you tell me? I know I yell at my kids, and probably have in public. It happens, get over it. I know most of the time I am dressed very casual, never matching. I don't have a job other then keep these kids happy, so I don't need to dress to impress...I usually shower so I don't stink, and I always brush my teeth. But would you really tell me, tell me why? Is it cause I'm lonely, and alone? I would get a sitter, I have one now, and we could go out, and I could listen. Is it cause I'm a mom and you are not? Is it cause I will want to do it again next week, or make a weekly or monthly date? Is it cause he is always on the road? Your hubby is home so you have daily adult interaction. Gotta have girlfriends for when the going gets tough! I don't have a sister, or any family so friends are what I need to count on. What we all need!

SO what gives? I was asked by an old sorority sister of mine if I wanted to host a 31 party. Actually I do. I actually want to host a 'slumber party' since I have never been to one of 'those' parties and was always curious...but who would I invite? Would anyone even come?

You know what I am scared of the most. Is history repeating itself. My mom, love her, but she has no friends. She never seemed to have friends when I was little(at least thats what I saw) and now that I am older I know she doesn't have many friends. She says she is fine, and maybe she is but I am not. I do not want to be like her and I dont want my daughter to be like me. I didnt have many girlfriends ever and I want her to have an abundance of friends, I want her to have to tell people no I cant come to your party cause I have 6 others to go to, instead of longing for that one invitation.

Life gets us too busy. We forget in the hustle and bustle. I wish I could forget, but I wait, hoping that the phone will ring tonight.

The end...

The end of everything as we know it.

I was raised to be respectful to my elders. Even now as an equal....kinda I am still respectful. I will hold open a door, wait for someone to cross the street, help with whatever I see I can at that moment, but it is returned?

A few weeks ago Sean and I were out shopping or maybe at the grocery store. I'm not sure exactly what but we only had Tate. We were walking towards the door and 2 men walked in and 1 walked out of this door way. NONE held the door for me and the baby. I did not have the stroller, I was carrying the car seat. Sean was a few steps behind, not close enough to get the door but close enough to see what had happened.

He said, loudly. The end of chivalry.

Man, that boat sailed long ago babe! I said.

But its the end of so much more. The end of being polite, being nice. Offering a hand to someone in need. Being courteous, or genuine.

We live in a world that is so fast paced. Especially here in the USA. I have only visited one other country, Chile, S.A. and it was a much slower pace from what I can remember. They have fiesta at our lunch time. Do you even take a lunch? Or do you eat at your desk?

Does it hurt to hold open a door, or wait a minute longer for someone to cross the road, even if they are 99 years old with a walker and their loving husband or wife helping them to cross. They waved you on 3 times but patience is a virtue right, shouldn't we give them the time they need?

What about your grandma, or great grandma, or grandpa(s). Would you want them rushed along like they were insignificant trash? How about that they are less, less of a person now that they are old?

What about your wife, clearly she is a stay at home mom, look at her. Her hair is a mess, her clothes aren't in perfect condition, she doesn't need to be anywhere in a hurry. I'm much more important then her...or him. What about the stay at home dad? There are a few I know out there. Maybe they get the lucky advantage to work from home, or maybe they really just stay home with their kids cause mom makes more money? Do you rush him on..NO.

Did you know that that mom was up all night with 2 sick kids and her husband is deployed? Did you know that that dad just went to the store to get diapers for the baby, or a perscription for his wife? Did you know that Grandma just bought a sympathy card for her son in law, her daughter just lost her battle with breast cancer. How about that elderly couple, she is in hospice, this is their weekly time to go and have coffee together. Or that man in the wheelchair, hes a vet, lost both his legs, he's late for work. Think about this the next time you rush someone. Think about someone other then yourself, even if you cant think so far out, think about your wife, or mom or maybe your children.

When was the last time you said God bless you, or the other saying when people sneeze? How about Thank you, or have a nice day? Please? How about I'm sorry, or Hello.

Its not just an end to chivalry, but an end to everything. Our children might still being taught it, manners, or how to be, but we certainly forget it as we get older. I feel rushed all the time. In line at the grocery store, someone shuffling behind me, it was an older lady, but she clearly was getting irritated with me. It wasn't my fault, the machine was taking its time, but still do we treat each other with loving kindness, or even do we treat anyone the way we want to be treated?

I know I try hard to. My mom hates it. She hates when I wait for the 99 year old couple to cross the street, but there is something there. In those few moments waiting, and watching that I get. Its so immeasurable and I cant even explain it, but I get it. That peace and calmness I long for each day.

Try it. Try just letting go. Sitting back and being genuinely nice. Without wanting anything back, not even for someone else to follow your lead. Maybe people will just see what you have done and start their own daily act of kindness.

Open a door, hold it open all the way. Say bless you, say please and thank you. Say I'm sorry and mean it, really mean it. Call your friend just to say hello, not to complain, but to just say hello. Send a card, write a note in your kids lunch box. Say I love you. Don't cut in line, don't push, say excuse me. Say good morning and good night, tell the person who just checked you out at the register Have a nice day too.

Wait for the couple to cross the street, just sit and wait, insist they take their time and breathe it all in.

This will be you one day. You will wonder where it all went. When did it end?

Thank goodness for Roofs.

After a very long and extremely exhausting day I start a bath. A bath for a very fussy baby, that somehow becomes a different person after his bath. He loves them, starts talking after his bath not remembering why for the past hour he has been screaming. Red Faced. Screaming.

I am tired. Starting from midnight last night(Sunday). I could almost give a play by play. Actually it started even earlier, but we will stick with midnight for readers sake.

Teighan up. Croupy cough. Crying hysteria. Couldn't catch his breath. AWESOME. I calmed him down, reassuring him everything was ok. Listened to his lungs, sounded clear, and let him crawl into bed with me.

Tate up. Nursed back to sleep.

2am. I get to go to bed, finally... or do I?

Teighan up again. Cant breath. Cough, hack. bark. fuss. whine. cry. Falls back asleep.

5 am. Puts his head on my shoulder, crying. worried. Do I get everyone up for a ER trip now. Can I calm him down. Knowing deep in my heart we are going to the ER later. Lets see if mommy can just have another hour of sleep.

Oh. Koda has now joined the group. Body on the bed. Legs hanging off, complete blissful sleep.  Mommy, squished, uncomfortable but peaceful.

9am. Decided to head to the ER. 5 hours later ER trip successful. Nebulizer and Steroids. He doesn't like this. He cries. I reassure him again. I worry.

I though this RAD, or reactive airway he would have grown out of by now. I worry how tonight will be, why am I still up at 2330 writing a blog...I worry how the season will affect him, or did the small about of smoke at a bbq the other night get to him. I worry.

Home. Kids are extremely fussy. Koda now has a fever too. Runny nose. AWESOME.

So we do what we do. Stuff. Little laundry etc. Dinner...bed. back to bath.

Tate went down without a fuss finally.

8pm, kids up and fussing. I don't want to go to bed. ME: ITS TIME! I start yelling again, cause we had some yelling today, and well I decided to write our bedtime rules on a piece of paper and pin it to the door.

Yes. Success. I did it. Made Rules. Rules to be broken 500,000 more times, but at least they're there. They are posted for all to see. MOM MADE RULES.

In pinning the rules to the door, I must have closed the door shut. No problem.

Sat down on the floor, did bedtime ritual of books and stories. Turned on music, off light, kiss, kiss grab the door knob.

Doesn't open.

Try again. Harder, HARDER. Doesn't open.

 Awesome. The rules got me stuck in the bedroom, with the 2 I so desperately want to be asleep so mommy can go to sleep, clean kitchen...Have a beer.

Ok. what to do. what to do. I look around for anything. Nothing. I don't bring my phone in to bed time. No phone in their room, we only have 1 house phone, the other broke...Hulk SMASH!

Flashlight!  YES!! I can do SOS. I don't know SOS, but I can try SOS.  no batteries. Note to self: replace batteries, and put more flash lights in kids room.

Keep looking. nothing. NOTHING. not even a whistle. or noise maker. Note to self: buy T drums he has been asking for. But on a serious note, put whistles and noise makers in their bedroom.

What am I doing. What is my plan. Well my plan is to poke my head out and see if Neighbors are smoking. NO. Lights off. uh OH!! Other neighbors light is on.

I start calling. Nothing They don't smoke, but they have a dog. Maybe I will get lucky and Dude will be out. Nope. No luck.

Ok. I need a new plan. I have to throw something, because if I crawl out onto the roof, and try to jump down we will be back in the ER. well, if anyone hears me fall, cause again there is no phone for the kids to call 911. Do they even know the numbers? 9-1-1...

Ok. shoes, flip flops. books. Nothing to throw, until I found it. The ball that saved the day.

I crawled out the window onto the roof, all the while telling the kids never to do this. Also telling them if we ever have a fire this is how we will get out... We were just practicing our fire drill.  I threw the ball, thank goodness, they heard it, but weren't opening the door. I heard them talking about the noise, and then I saw him and yelled again.

He came out, and looked up, puzzled. Why are you up there. Ugh we are locked out. I mean in. Locked in the kids bedroom.

Why?

I dunno, the door is locked and I have nothing to help me. Can you go knock on the other neighbors door, they have a key. Note to self, this is the 2nd time James has helped me in a pinch...give them a key and baked goods.

He comes back. They're not home. AWESOME.

James: Hey try a wire.

Me: (thoughts)Yes, of course. I didn't think of that(I did...) but I am in my kids room. With kids clothes, from kids stores. What are they hanging on? Kids plastic hangers. So he goes and gets me a hanger, and makes it straight so I can pop the lock.

Me: Nope. Not gonna do it. The house is 30? Years old, the doors and locks are the same age. The hanger wouldn't even fit into the lock let alone make it budge.

James: He gets the ladder out, and climbs up and tries.

Me: NOPE. I told you. It wasn't going to work.

James: Ok, Ill be right back...

Comes back with a hammer and a flat head screwdriver to take the door off the hinges.  Did I mention he crawled in the same window I crawled out of?

The baby is now crying. I have been locked in the room for about an hour, and the door is NOT coming off the hinges. It is stuck.

He asks, how long have you been here. I thought he meant living in the house, that is why the door was stuck.

Ugh, 7 years...

No I mean in the room. 1 hour.

I lost it. I started laughing so hard. Then finally, with a lot of giggling, and pulling the door finally came off. He put it back on and I asked him how he wanted to leave, conventional or unconventional. He chose conventional.

I realized in the few moments watching with intense anxiety for the door to open, that I was put here tonight. We Teighan, Takoda and I were stratigically put here. To spend uninterrupted time solving a problem and then letting go. Letting go of the day, or the stress and worry and laughing uncontrollably...

Thank goodness for roofs, townhouses, nice neighbors, and doors that lock...never know when you need the laugh.

Blogging...and grammer.

Blogging. Writing. Sean and I were talking, well I was talking he was listening. And laughing. He laughs at me a lot. Or should I say I make him laugh. Well I make myself laugh too.

I tell stories. Sometimes I finish them sometimes I start another one in the middle of the first and so on.

My mind is bouncy like Koda's curls. I said this one before too. My mind is busy. Busy is an understatement. I have a thousand thoughts a minute and usually they don't flow into another.

He said I should write a book. It would be funny. I laugh a lot when I'm with other people" I make other people laugh too, not a comedian like Ellen. She is my favorite. I like to watch her at 3/1500 so I can catch her monologue. Is that what her solo stand up is called? She is hilarious. I laugh. It's good.

My mom makes me laugh too. I love my mom, although she drives me crazy(all of the time) some of the best laughs I have had have been with her. Actually thinking about it, some of my best laughs, tears rolling down my cheeks, almost pee in my pants laughs have been with the people I love the most.

Anyway back to blogging, or writing. I did not do well in English. I actually completely avoided taking English in college. I took the first two years which were mandatory. I got b's.  Not too bad, but in high school I got...I don't remember. I passed though I was happy about that. After my first two years, I took anything that 'fit' the English literature criteria but wasn't actually English. I took Russian Woman's literature, Greek and Roman mythology...nothing remotely related to grammar and English.

I will be okay when it comes to Science. I was good in science. Okay in math. Not in English, my poor kids. My husband is a mirrored dyslexic(although the only college grad in this house and a pretty smart guy if I say so :)). He reads like crazy and it doesn't seem to affect him anymore except he still seems to add a letter here and there where it doesn't belong, but me, boy...I'm a mess. They will not do well in English if they have to come to me. Thank goodness for spell check!

I have been reading more, now that the kids are back in school. More blogs, and more books. I am noticing that there is a space between the paragraphs. It is Soooooo much easier to read these blogs. So I said something to my hubby tonight. I said that I read a few of my friends blogs and there so much easier to read, I hope they don't get upset like I'm stealing they're style. This extra space between paragraphs.

He said why, cause your posts are like a run on sentence...I said no(what is he criticizing me?) They are just hard to follow(I know this I have trouble re-reading them before I post). He said yes, like one continuous thought. Unfortunately that is me...

He said honey, that is how you are supposed to write. It's not plagiarism. It's correct grammar. They wont be mad.

So. I'm not stealing a style of writing, apparently I was doing it all wrong. Like my blog. Not about one particular event at a time, but numerous events rolled into one continuous thought.

Sleep...What are you doing??

Sleep. Defined as:

     Sleep is a naturally recurring state characterized by reduced or absent consciousness, relatively suspended sensory activity, and inactivity of nearly all voluntary muscles.^[1] It is distinguished from quiet wakefulness by a decreased ability to react to stimuli, and is more easily reversible than being in hibernation or a coma. Sleep is a heightened anabolic state, accentuating the growth and rejuvenation of the immune, nervous, skeletal and muscular systems. It is observed in all mammals, all birds, and many reptiles, amphibians, and fish.(Wikipedia)

Do we really need sleep?  I don't need sleep. Actually if I add all the sleep I get up, I may get close to 5 solid hours a night, and that's pushing it.

Ok, yes I have a new baby, but he sleeps all night!  He has slept all night since he was born practically. We have a few wakeful nights a week/month usually during a growth spurt when he needs wants to nurse more. He is an AWESOME baby!  So its not him.

T had a really hard time falling asleep for the first 7 months. Usually it was on me, nursing on just laying on me or someone. Then he had his paci for one year...4...ok 4 years. Don't judge me. He slept great. I took it away things shifted, but once he is asleep he sleeps.

Koda on the other hand started out really great like Tate...(Dear God, please don't let Tate grow up into his sisters sleeping habits, Thank you. Me).  She slept well from birth, well maybe from 4-5months on. She had a paci for one year...4, yes again 4 years. Again, don't judge me. It was easier. Dad was on the road and it was just not the battle I was choosing. Anyway, she started having sleeping issues about 20months. Maybe right before or after her ear infections and she got tubes.

SHE DOES NOT SLEEP WELL!

She sleep talks, sleep toots(farts for those of you who don't know our terminology), sleep pees(makes it to the toilet most nights), she is up and down. After hours of sleeping or maybe just one, she says she cant sleep. She gets up and talks to me, or just climbs into bed with me.

Tonight, well tonight was different. I actually thought ZOMBIE...

Yes. YES. I said zombie.

I was downstairs typing and reading a blog...or fb. I don't remember. I heard a door close, then open then close. I didn't hear the footsteps anymore so I got up to check and see what, who was moving. I knew it was probably her.

I crept upstairs and the hall light was on again. The baby's door shut. I don't close his door all the way. hmmm. I opened the door expecting Koda sleeping on the rocking chair which I found her there last week...but nope she wasn't there. I looked into my room. Nope. The bathroom, nope. I opened the door to her room, looked into her bed. No Koda. where the heck hell is she.

I turned my head. My heart started beating so hard, and I was so confused, and shocked and scared. Yes I said it. Scared. I had NO IDEA what she was doing.

In my kids room they have a green chest that has blankets in it. It is now moved so it is against the wall as you walk in, the door opens towards it. Right now it had a few sweat shirts and clean clothes waiting to be put away on it. Ok it is a mess. Anyway. This is where I found her.

Standing on top of the green messy chest, hunched over, like she was looking for something. Like a zombie looking for food in a place where there was none. IT TOTALLY FREAKED ME OUT!

I said what are you doing. She looked up in a very confused dazed stare, like she was going to eat me.(We watch too many zombie movies/tv shows and Sean has read and told me about too many books). She didn't say anything.

Do you have to pee?...silence.

I help her down, she is in a complete daze. I look into her eyes. She is not there. It is a very scary thing I am seeing, not one I want to see, nor a road I want to venture down.

I did get her to the toilet. I gave her toilet paper. She wiped and gave it back to me. How thoughtful. Thanks my sweet peach. I love you.

So not only do I have a sleep talker, sleep tooter, sleep pee-er, a sleep fighter, I now(very dreaded SIGH) have a sleep walker.

Thank goodness I went upstairs. I thought the silence after footsteps and a door closing was too odd. She could have fallen off the green messy chest...but probably would have been ok cause of the clean clothes pile next to the green messy chest.

I don't sleep either. I just told the dog I couldn't let him out because I have to wait till the terminator comes. I meant exterminator we have a 'something' in the back yard.

I will take a terminator..for the zombies and the 'somethings' maybe then I can get some sleep.

Letting go

So I am letting go of little things. Little silly things that bother me. That make me blow my top. Like my mom. Letting go. Like paying attention to the details of our conversation. Letting go. Not absent just not paying 100% attention.

My mom, is going through a lot with my dads cancer and chemo treatments. She is a different person. A very stressed, angry, sad person. I'm letting go. I can't fix her. I can't help her, logistically or physically, emotionally or whatever. I try, but I'm letting go. It isn't healthy. But I still love her.

I'm letting go of worrying about my dad. He will get through or he wont.  I cant fix it. So I let go. I let go of him being grumpy, getting agitated with me when I ask him something simple.  I let go because I know he still loves me no matter how grumpy he is. I let go because I know he loves my kids more then anything in the world. I hold on to his love. I hold on to the fact in my whole 33 years I have heard him curse maybe a handful of times. I hold on to the man, my dad, my daddy. The man that has kept our family afloat and will keep floating on right up till the end(which may be tomorrow or 20+ years from now). I let go.

I let go of needing wanting my husband to be home every night. I let go of my fears and embraced the immense independence I was given.  The outcome, there isn't anything I cant do. Things I don't want to do, but nothing I cant do. I let go. I hold onto him, when he is home because I love him.

The past 2 days have been awesome! I've let go of my idiosyncrasies. Of the silly little things that bother me. Each time I felt like I was going to blow, or get upset or angry I took a deep breath and just let it go. It really wasn't that bad and I felt AWESOME afterwards, even if the kids were upset.

They expect me to explode, get upset but I will not. It doesn't fix anything and it doesn't work.

Wednesday. Got up reminded Teighan it was Wednesday. He said I know mom, it's a karate day. We walked to the bus, I asked him what day it was he said again, I know mom it's a karate day. Koda loves karate, actually she loves anything. She never complains, except for dance. She didn't like dance at all. Anyway, the day went well, made an awesome dinner I found on pinterest, did some laundry talked to my cuz...it was a good day. Then the bus came home. I was a little worried cause every day Teighan gets off the bus he wants to play with his friends.
I get it. I totally understand. I want to play with my friends too. Where are they...let's go play. I'm letting go.

So he gets off the bus talked to his friend P and followed me, no whining, no problem just came got home finished his lunch and off we went. It was awesome.  I let go. I stepped back. I loosened the rope and gave in to him. Allowing him to be more responsible and guess what it's working!
Today worked equally as well. A little whine cause we didn't have ice cream, or sorbet after dinner(cause I didn't have enough for 2) but really well. And I'm happier, and they're happier.

I let go of yelling and screaming. I let go of expecting my 6 year old knowing exactly how to act at any given moment.  I became more aware of my 5 year olds innocence.  I let go of caring if they got muddy, or tracked mud thought the freshly washed floors. I let go of worrying about them reading Harry Potter cause a little friend can read Harry Potter.  I let them jump in the puddles, and kiss their brother. I let them play with worms, and let go of germs. Its not going to kill them. Really. Its not!

I let go and it feels wonderful! You should try it!

 Letting go of something you think you should be holding on to really tight. I want to hold on to their innocence, on to them being kids, children. Being loud and messy. Fearless and curious. Wild, energetic(like the bunny) adventurous. Imaginative and playful. Sometimes embarrassing. Ravenous(when you have boys). Tired. Sincere, sweet and loving endlessly and unconditionally.

Let go of all the rules. Let go of the norms; of the expected.

DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING TO RUN SMOOTHLY EVER. BETTER YET HAVE NONE, NO
EXPECTATIONS. JUST LET GO!

It didn't let go of my love. I actually became more aware of it. I embraced it and my kids.
I will not let go of this. Of love and loving them, and demanding love back. But everything else, it's ok.
They will all read, and write and do advanced algebra one day, but not today and that is ok.
Let go.

Special Agent of M.O.M...

As Sean is on the road again lets recap since June, cause I cant much remember much before this.  June Sean was gone 23 days.  July not much better, don't have an exact date but I do remember he only had 5 days off(not consecutive), and August, don't let me start 22 days so far, and he is gone until the 8th of September.
Yes the joys of being married to my best friend(some days) and love of my life(other days) and a Special Agent.  Special Agent of what I wonder, being gone all the time.  Yes I can vent because I am on the roller coaster ride and its going so fast we are missing, 1, 2, 3 month markers, he is missing 1st days of school, and I am holding down the fort.  I run a extremely tight ship, and really need to let go a little.  My parents ran a tight ship, and look(for those of you who know me well) what happened in HS...college...I ENJOYED my life finally.  I am not enjoying life today, or yesterday.
I have moments I hold onto, like Tates little laugh, or Takoda's constant bubbly outlook on everything, and her bouncy curls or her endless conversations with the air, I hold on to everything Teighan, how really sweet he can be when he wants, and how he really loves, but is afraid to show it in public, how my 1st little boy is almost 7 and growing up too fast.  I hold on to the 1sts, first roll overs, crawling, walking, talking.  I hold on to the nights rushing by myself to the ER or the late night pediatric care with a 104 fever, then myself 4 days later like clockwork getting sick.
I should hold on to my first trip to Hawaii.  I had always wanted to go to Hawaii and Australia.  Once.  I have been to Hawaii every year since 2008. One year twice!  My first trip January 3 or 4 2008.  Sean had to go for work, YES work...and he ends up having work there every year, which is AWESOME!  Anyway I digress, I do this a lot.  Blogging for some people may be about one particular event, but for me, my brain is at a constant whirlwind so sometimes its very bouncy...like koda's curls.
My first trip to Hawaii, I had a 26 month old, or just over 2, and an 9 month old...who was still nursing.  I was determined after my mom changed her mind(we got bumped and our flight canceled and then she jumped and cancelled the flight so they didn't find us another one, and well she bailed)  I was so upset, it was our first Christmas with Takoda and he already missed that, got home on the 28 of December and then had to leave on the 1st of January.  SO, I found myself a flight for 2, Koda was on my lap and my MIL got me a car service to take me to the airport, I was FREAKING OUT, he drove all over the place talking about his new GPS, its was 4am I was already tired as it was the first 6 months on this new position of travelling cop...and the driver is almost going to kill me and my precious children.  YES I said precious, because at this point in the morning they were perfect!
I flew from BWI to Arizona, then to Kona, HI.  It was a long flight, and that's just the first one.  We made it, very tired mom, but we made it. It was a hard trip as Sean worked and was off the resort most of the time and how do you get babies to nap when they're off their schedule and in a beautiful vacation land.  I ate a lot by myself and reflected on this journey I just made, and I decided I would never, ever go on another trip with him while he was working.  What did I do, went to California the next year so we could be together again at Christmas time. Cause that's what moms do, that's what I do.
I have since made this trip 5 more times by myself with the kids, one including last year pregnant with #3 and I plan on making our 6 trip this Winter with a 8 month old again who will also still be nursing. I have been told I am supermom, but I don't hear or believe it.  I am just a mom, like all moms who want to give their children everything and anything in their power and lots and lots of LOVE.
I read a blog tonight that said "dear sweet mom who thinks she is failing"(and I needed it, and I cried and I realized I am doing a good job, cause everyone is still happy and healthy, even the dog) and I decided my blog is for me.  Maybe someone will get a laugh or a cry or I will get an uplifting or motivational email or a call from an old friend, but I shouldn't worry if I offend anyone cause its my blog right?
Anyway, Special Agent has a loose term, I often think of Special Agent OSO, he used to be on noggin, do you remember noggin, its not around anymore.  Did I say special agent, I meant Secret Agent, wait what the heck is Sean, I'm lost.  He is a cop.  I am the special agent.  I am the one, the force to be reckoned with.  As he says, I need to ask my wife, or let me check...because after being gone 2 weeks and getting hit for another trip ending up not coming home, he checks.  What can I say really, NO?  Yeah right, I just hold down the fort, hanging on for dear life to the tent tie downs...
I called my BIL the other day, we talked about a BAT, that flew into the house, MY HOUSE!  Then when I asked to speak with my SIL, he said 'hold on here's the boss' cause yes that is exactly what we are, the BOSS, the SPECIAL AGENT, the SECRET AGENT, whatever it is, we are it. 
We are M.O.M...a secret and very special organization if you are lucky enough to join.  You have a very special initiation ceremony that takes place one special night, only to finalize in a hospital room that ends up with one very precious miracle. Our badge of honor sometimes is hours old, or maybe even day old spit up, or poop, or food or puke, or tears, or marker...Our hair is sometimes messy, in a very perfect way.  Our uniform consists of whatever is the easiest and closest to pull on when running to make the bus.  Usually yoga pants and an old Tshirt, some days we have our professional clothes which may even match. Our weapon depending on the day could be a crying baby, whining child or extremely stressed and tired self that can give the look of death without breaking a sweat. Our boss, we dont have one, well maybe the big guy in the sky, or whomever your deity is. We do things our own way, and we learn every day.  We may break open a parenting book or website in this day of technology, we take notes and we try to do it better the next day.
Our payment, its the best, something only us Special Agent of M.O.M gets...lots of unconditional love, hugs, kisses, tears, boo boos, 1st's, 2nd's 100ths, baby toes, and runny noses and those first words.  We often forget in the hustle and bustle how amazing we are as moms, and I know we judge and criticize ourselves and others...and really we are all the same.  Trying to raise the best little people we can, however we can. Rich or Poor, we are all the same. Loving and hard working, unpaid, and overworked, and at the end of the day extremely, extremely overjoyed and full of happiness.
Today I got 3 kids up fed, 2 off to school, volunteered for lunch, came home played, played some more. Got eaten alive by Skeeters cause I went outside to let my kids play, then I got 3 back into bed only to start over again tomorrow.  But tomorrow will be different cause its not today, and it will be better in some way.
Live, Laugh and Love.